Being History: How to Live and Love in Interesting Times
My personal evolution and learnings of the past 3.5 years
This story is about my personal evolution over the past three and a half years. This is going to be an outpour. Beware.
If you want the punchline, here it is: the world is f*cked up. Oh, the world is so tragically f*cked up. And the things are almost always not what they seem. And people lie. And go under hypnosis often. And there is love that is not wobbly but it is very rare. So beautiful though.
Background
I lost my innocence about politics as a teen due to being Russian. I lost my innocence about “our democracy” many years ago when my ridiculously abusive ex set me up to be arrested and jailed. While I was jailed, the feds tried to scare me and break my emotional spine. I was very pure, and they were very mean. They failed to break me but the experience traumatized me for at least a decade, and the healing process was tough.
All my life, I have been choosing unconventional paths. I wasn’t trying to be original, I just found well-established roads boring, I wanted the real thing, I wanted to understand the meaning of life, how things connect to each other, what leads to what, all that. I’ve done lots of unique and crazy things, traveled exotic places, and chosen excessively rough and retrospectively stupid learning curves many times (like, I really didn’t have to believe that sex trafficker in China and get into his car, and I didn’t have to marry my abusive ex, and I definitely didn’t have to stay with him, and yet I did all of those things—and they nearly cost me my life, etc.). All that made me very tolerant of other people who do dumb $hit and learn the hard way.
And then it was March 2020
When “COVID” started, I picked up on the fishiness of it all right away. I published my first “COVID” Substack in April 2020. By then, I was already pretty “dissidenty” but, as it was the case for many of us, speaking up against the COVID narrative made me an official weirdo (or at best, an exotic flower) in the eyes of many friends and loved ones. I didn’t enjoy being viewed a weirdo, I really didn’t—especially given that I wasn’t one—but I was ultimately fine with it, I felt an obligation to be vocal about my truth. And at the time, I was rather freaked out about the smell of fascism in the air, so…
Paradoxically, today, I think back about that time with fondness. Yes, it was stressful, so stressful. The society was crumbling, my relationships were crumbling, there was a very definite sense of a color revolution … the curfew … the yelling …. the free fall of everything … the fear of imminent marital law … the pressure to get through to the people I loved quickly, before the ice floe they were balancing on could drift too far—yes, it was very stressful in so many ways. And yet, I look back at that time and feel like it was a magical time. Wow, I was so naïve!
I remember the acute freshness of the feeling, the camaraderie among the members of the newly forming “freedom” community, the almost anxious expectation of an imminent awakening due to the obviously egregious nature of the events, the loss of old friends, the joy of new friends…we didn’t know what was coming, we were on edge… and there was a strange beauty to it.
I remember how, as if by waving of a magic wand, the minds of my loved ones with mainstream persuasions drifted off. Early on, they were perfectly rational, perfectly logical, ready to deal with the situation from a place of aliveness, without fear—and then they weren’t. And just like that, I was a conspiracy theorist, and they were “following the science.” I believe there were some powerful hypnotists working behind the scenes, in addition to all the usual, i.e. propaganda, elevation of stress, isolation, etc.
When it all happened, some people were spiritually prepared to resist that particular kind of hypnosis (in part due to having seen the face of the Machine up close prior to 2020 and thus, being far more alarmed by the prospects of fascism and/or loss of bodily sovereignty than by “COVID”)—and some weren’t.
Bad habits and war of attrition
And then the boil began. Months went by, then a year, the increasingly distorted world kept spinning, the world was undignifying but livable, there were no soldiers in the street and no concentration camps, and we were getting used to the water in the pot heating up.
And then the “resistance” started losing its initial purity, a market started forming, high school style popularity clubs percolated up, obvious and less obvious infiltrators started flocking in—in troughs—and the history started happening in ways it has been happening for centuries now. I was well aware of all this in theory but for some reason, I had thought that “our” resistance was unique. After all, we were all so pure, and so much was at stake, how could it not be unique? Alas, it wasn’t.
Next thing, the competition and backstabbing began. Some of it was, to my nose, a matter of the alphabets doing their usual, i.e. confusing and hypnotizing people and making them fight and do stupid and ineffective things, and some was just disappointing envy of petty souls. After all, the alphabets don’t have an exclusive patent on darkness, there are many people outside of state structures with ambitions of conquistadors.
I do not consider myself a particular important person but none the less, a number of individuals, including the ones with pious reputations and big names, tried to distract me, or make me less effective, or make people less receptive to me or suspicious of me, or drag me into one of those ugly public brawls. That intensified every time I came upon revelations that were original and true and stood outside of the now well-formed “freedom” dogma. To this day, I am trying to gain support for something of major importance that I cannot do alone, and, with very few brilliant exceptions, it feels like talking to a wall.
Some of the dirty players on my path so far are most certainly agents and hypnotists, and some are just envious individuals with big names and petty souls. I went from naivete to shock and disappointment and feeling sad and crying over it to a state of peace and being able to love from a place of strength and to stand alone for as long as it takes to prevail.
Paradoxically, all this trained me to be a better, stronger, more relaxed self. My teachers have been dirty as hell but I just hand them to the Creator to deal with, and keep going, giving them nothing. Love is a good thing to live for. Given the patience and the courage, love prevails. You didn’t see me writing articles about drama to raise my profile because, all this, after all, is dirty. I don’t enjoy it, and also, I believe that free will is sacred, and that in the long term, there is a great benefit to figuring out things from the inside, and everyone is entitled to it. Besides, how often do people believe you when you tell them the actual truth? And how often do they believe you when they are under hypnosis intended to make them blind?
So I stay calm and try to be useful. I believe that most people have a tremendous potential for beauty. I believe that we are free, and that free will is sacred. I believe that in the end, all people find their total soul, and all wrongs get righted in a sweet way. I believe that there is a lot more value to sincere clarity and voluntary love than to the ownership of twisted or hypnotized arms. I believe that voluntary love is what this entire universe, every bit of it, is about. Everything else is scenery we go through on our way to voluntary love.
As far as the hypnotists and the torturers, they are just extremely impatient. They don’t want to wait until the universe delivers to them the goodness in due time. They want to obtain the good things for themselves by bending things, by stealing what doesn’t belong to them, by suppressing other people’s ability to defend themselves, by robbery, rape, and sleight of hand. There is every reason to keep them in check as they can cause great harm to the people but there is no reason at all to invest in fear or hate. The universe has a way of recruiting them for our growth whether they want it or not—and as soon as the growth occurs, they go away.
The road seems to be longer than I had hoped in 2020. It is this way because bad habits in people are strong. But if we keep walking our destiny, we’ll get home.
We’ll find our real home when we remember what we are here for, which is standing tall, walking in dignity, and celebrating the great mystery of our biggest gift that makes us complete, our outworldly gift of giving and receiving voluntary love.
I would like to end this story with a song by my dear friend Kevin Nathaniel whose trailblazing performances have nourished so many souls at a time when very few dared.
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Appendix: additional reading
Here is a small collection of philosophical works that add context to the story. I hope you find some of it useful. I wrote all of them from my heart.
Many of us who spent time in abusive relationships and extracted ourselves were not fooled and saw the obvious signs of abuse from our government that wanted to "help" us (but only if we behaved) and the experts who pretended to be god-like figures who could do no wrong and so we had to obey them and if we didn't we were bad and needed to be punished. No thank you. I will fight to my last breath rather than return to that cycle of abuse.
Your writing these past few years has been a light to me. Wholehearted thanks for your work, your words, and your beautiful spirit.