Masking for a friend: my response to a reader
When your only friend is very scared, what do you do?
This story was inspired by an email from a reader. He asked for my thoughts on his circumstance, I was touched by his openness and decided to share my detailed thoughts as an article, with love (and please be kind, I am going to stand by my reader regardless of what I think about masks, it takes courage to be spiritually naked and spill one’s heart).
Here is what he said (sharing with his permission):
I have been an alternative health / health freedom type of thinker (as well as generally questioning-of-official-narratives) since 2009. So nothing that happened during 2020-21 particularly surprised me. From the very beginning I didn't waste a moment being afraid of the actual virus/illness, though I was quite concerned about what people's reaction to the fearmongering might lead them to do, and about being forced to be 💉'd (nothing made me feel more betrayed about having voted for Biden than when his administration tried to push through that mandate for every company with > 100 employees). The point being, I have never worn a face mask for my own sake because I was concerned about getting sick. And yet, I did wear a mask almost every time I was in public. And still do much of the time...and even in my own house.
My best friend is a vet tech with a ton of experience working low-cost and no-cost vet care for cats. So she has seen all kinds of crazy illnesses and conditions and she is very used to wearing masks in a clinical setting, it's normal for her. She is also a very private person, and I think she actively enjoys wearing a mask in public just for the identity-blurring aspect (which I can totally understand as a sometimes-social-anxiety-sufferer!) She and I both also agree in general with your belief that many of the chronic health conditions in the affluent, supposedly-medically-superior cultures are caused by undiagnosed infections of various forms. So wearing a mask is just logical and natural for her. I am also fostering a cat she loves because her parents won't let her keep him at home (not through any fault of her own, she is just so self-sacrificial that she refuses to trade being able to fulfill her soul's mission of helping animals for a job that would let her afford her own place to live). So she visits my house every day to spend time with her cat. And insists on wearing a mask, even though I haven't had a contagious illness in almost a decade and even though she knows it makes me sad). And since I completely understand and respect her reasons for doing so, and would feel like an asshole if I didn't, I also wear a mask when she's there. In my own house.
It hurts, even though I know it's not because she doesn't trust me in particular. We used to kiss goodbye every time we saw each other, and now I haven't even had a single face-to-face interaction of any type with anyone I have a positive emotional connection to since March 2020. It makes me feel incredibly lonely, though it's hardly the only thing that does that! 😄
I also wear a mask in the hallways of the office where I work, because one of my nearby coworkers is a cancer survivor and considered immunocompromised and I don't want her to feel endangered by my synthetic-mRNA-free status 😄 My immune system is in excellent, battle-hardened shape, and I personally don't believe that I could ever be asymptomatically infectious, and thus don't think that my unmasked presence would endanger anyone no matter how weak their immune system. But my upbringing taught me to always acknowledge to myself that I could be wrong, and I'm certainly not an immunology expert. I think there is a reasonable enough chance that I'm wrong about being 100% unable to infect anyone, and thus it's worth wearing a mask in that kind of physically close setting. As well as anywhere in public where people have no choice about going, like grocery stores...I'm sure there are some immunocompromised people that are not lucky enough to have someone else to shop for them, and dread being forced to go out in public where they could pick up 100 different microbes, so I usually wear a mask out of respect for them. I take it off at places people have a choice about going to, like a movie theater, mainly because I don't think I could bear having my formerly-abusive and non-accepting family be the only ones who saw my real face anymore!
So when I wear a mask at home, it hurts because it's a huge emotional intimacy barrier between me and the one person I used to be able to be real with. And when I wear a mask at work, it's a super conservative and religious company and I feel like an idiot because they probably think it means I'm some dumb liberal 😂. And yet I still do it 3.5 years later. So I guess my question is... does my reasoning make sense? Do you think you would make the same choices in a similar situation? Am I being a good soldier for kindness and empathy as I would like to believe, or am I being performatively "moral" to an audience of one and embodying the saying "if you try to please everyone, you'll end up pleasing no one"? I really don't know.
Oh my. My dear heart.
You are a very sweet human being. You are a very kind, sweet, human being acting on your very natural and endearing thirst for companionship and being understood.
I think your friend is very lucky that you like her, and that you are reaching out for her soul. I am not sure if she appreciates that. Or you. It doesn’t sound like she does. Or wants to. And possibly, she can’t, until she heals.
I am not thinking about this in terms of the good guy and the bad guy. Let’s assume that everyone is a good guy doing their best, imperfectly so. Let’s assume that.
From your story, it sounds like your friend is not okay and is acting a little insane. But if you tell her that, she’ll probably try to bite your head off. So, out of love for her and out of your need to be in contact with her soul, you keep offering her your love on her unloving terms—and you keep allowing her to zombie around, as she carries on her relationship with the ghosts in her head.
I’ve been there. Oh I’ve been there!
In my own life, I’ve gone fifty thousand miles out of my way and bent over backwards to try to help someone in a zombie state. I did it out of infinite love. I tried and tried and tried. And then tried some more. And more. I overextended myself. I was then left to fix whatever I had broken in myself in the process, all on my own. And I am strong and everything, but …. so I’ve been there. Oh I’ve been there.
I do think that it’s very compassionate to be patient and loving with the people who are temporarily choosing their ghosts—but it’s a very granular dance, you need to know when to accommodate them patiently and when to heed your soul and accommodate no more. This is something many of us learn the hard way.
And also, sometimes, it’s existentially good to allow people deal with their ghosts head on—or else they keep walking in circles and grow more complacent with each round.
If I were to give advice, I’d say, try telling your friend how you feel. Yes, you run the risk that she’ll get mad at you, call you names, and storm out. You do run the risk of losing your nominal friendship forever, and it is not my place to decide what you want to do. But it may be worth it to imagine how you talk to her, and how you feel if she storms out. Do you feel terrified that you lost the illusion of friendship? Relieved that you spoke up at last? How do you feel? You can imagine it, and then make up your mind what to do.
An important thing: you are worthy of being appreciated and loved for who you really are. Maskless. Unvaccinated. Sincere. Raw at times. Sure, you, and I, and all of us, are responsible for being our best selves and treating others with respect for their souls. But also, you are worth of being appreciated and loved for who you are.
On my end, when I spoke up in 2020, I lost some of my old friends—but the new friends I found are so amazing that I would never go back. So who knows, maybe if you decided to speak up, even if the first days or weeks are rough, you will find new friends?
Masks
As far as I am concerned, forcing other people to wear masks is dehumanizing. End of story. It is the actual end of story but also, masks are made of toxic materials, they collect microbes, limit the amount of oxygen to your brain, and just because human bodies can take a lot of abuse without visible consequences, doesn’t mean they need to be abused.
And by the way, yes, there are bugs (nothing to do with COVID but other bugs like toxo) that may infect you though “droplets.” Yes, biological contagion is real. In order to be “protected” in mechanical terms, you’d need to perpetually cover your entire face since your eyes are as much of a “target” as your nose and mouth. But are we really going to live our lives like this? I say, no. It’s ridiculous. No, no, no.
I also don’t believe in mutilating myself to accommodate other people’s neurosis. Again, I can be very patient for love’s sake, and try to hold the hands of the broken people, and it’s a noble thing to do. But at the end of the day, each of us is responsible for healing our trauma, all of us have plenty of trauma in today’s world, and it is beautiful to help each other heal—but we can’t heal others against their will. The gotta want it. They gotta want to be healed. And I think that accommodating their neurosis permanently is not only bad for the accomodator, it’s also bad for the accomodatee.
One last thing: you are lovable. You’ll figure it out. We are here on this Earth to figure things out.
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On my end, I first and foremost applaud the reader for sticking his neck out and sharing his dilemma. That takes courage! And I pray that it is resolved in the kindest and wisest way for all!
Backing up a little.....Contagion has NEVER, NEVER and NEVER been proven. We have been programmed to fear contagion and primed through movies and the like to just accept it as ‘fact’ but it isn’t. They have never been able to show it (or prove it). I appreciate all that you do and all that you expose but we need to break free of this narrative keeping people afraid. Humans need NOT be afraid. It’s incredibly detrimental to our health and well-being. And of course, works perfectly for compliance.