This is a part of the series I am writing about dealing with trauma. The video explains why I am doing it, and what it has to do with standing up to the tyranny we are dealing with today.
And now, a story of a little boy who grew up and became a loveless, violent man.
Once upon a time…
Once upon a time, there was a little boy. Let us say, his father was a broken, rough, violent man whose only value was not to be contradicted--and his mother made shapes of herself around her husband’s moods to keep herself and the kids alive and afloat. Let us say, it was happening in a culture where it was hard for a woman with children to provide for herself or the children if she found herself without a man. So she soothed her husband’s moods, got out of his way, did what she could to keep him appeased, and just made agreeable shapes of herself around his moods, as much as she could.
That was a lot of work for her, and so she had no energy or “free time” for anything besides making food, doing things around the house, and making sure to the best of her ability that the kids were fed, and the husband didn’t accidentally kill her or the kids when he was in a bad mood. She loved her kids like a mother does, of course she loved her kids—but her life was hard, making shapes around her husband was a full-time job, and the kids were left to emotionally fend for themselves.
Our boy was not a shy boy! When it looked like he was about to get hit by someone, he made fists of his own and was ready to hit back. It the threat was coming from his dad, and there was no hiding from flying fists or chairs, he was still prepared to hit back. He preferred to hit back. At an early age, he learned that the world was like that, that he was on his own, that no one was there to protect him if he didn’t protect himself, and that the strongest person got to be on top and terrorize the rest.
Days went by, weeks, months, years, and our little boy grew up. He is a young man now, strong, and as determined as ever to not get hit, or insulted, or let down.
Love is foreign to him, he has known no love, and he feels no love. His soul may need love but it’s hidden so deep that his mind doesn’t need love. In fact, intellectually he detests love, you can’t eat it, you can’t pay for groceries or buy stuff with it, so it’s unnecessary, annoying, punishable, and actually not real.
He knows from experience that when he bullies, he doesn’t get bullied, and so he bullies away. He seeks pleasure, ownership of things, and exercising control. When he gets what he wants, he feels good. When something get in his way, he feels bad. His fuse is short. When he feels insulted or violated, he hits. When something is standing between him and his pleasure or his overall preferred rhythm of life, he feels insulted, he feels pain, he feels bitten—and, in reaction to pain, he punches the source of pain. And he just wants to physically annihilate anything that stands in his way.
Yes, like his father, our little boy grew up a violent man.
He knows no love, it doesn’t exist in his world.
When he meets women, he treats them like objects who may need some minimal practical courting but who exist for him to feel good in various ways, through sex, housekeeping work, and food. That is all he knows, that is all he cares for, he can get it no problem, and, looking at it through his eyes, what else is there?!!
It is important to him to be unchallenged. It is important to him that the world delivers. If any people around him have desires of their own, it is their problem, not his. He is strong enough to scare or hit them hard enough so that they comply, If they want to be around, they owe him pleasure and care, it is his way or the high way. If they make it his problem by doing things that interrupt his flow, he feels the need to shake them up and shut them down.
Sadly, the list of “people” who need to be shaken up so that they remember their unimportant status and keep in line includes his child….
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Hurt People Hurt People: A Story of a Little Boy with a Violent Dad