On Love During Horror, and Why We Need to Face Reality Head On

Also a look into what's been happening in hospitals.

You know what I have faith in, most sincerely? I have faith in the power of human soul.

I feel the potential for love with every molecule of my being, with  every cell of my body, with every sound and every movement of my spirit. Our souls are powerful. They can awaken. They can awaken, and they will awaken.

And I don’t care for how long the self-appointed owners of our minds and bodies have been confusing us and pounding on us. I don’t care for how long our cognition has been squeezed by the speedup.

We can wake up and thrive because we were born to thrive. 

We are not owned by anyone.

It’s true!!!

The process of awakening may be difficult. At times it may be painful.

But the fruit is sweeter than any sweetest fruit.

We are not owned by anyone.

We are powerful.

It’s true.

This story is about awakening, abuse, cognition, and epistemology.

Why am I such a hawk when it comes to dissecting this whole “health response”?

It’s for two reasons: one intellectual and one emotional. (There is a third one—self-preservation—but that one is kind of obvious.)

Ever since I was a child, I pursued two things: harmony and knowledge. By design, those two things are meant to help each other, and I am in love with both. Under pressure, I, too, have transgressed. I’ve been compliant, naive, perhaps even intellectually arrogant. But every time, life came up with something that reminded me that I cannot cheat reality. So I have stopped trying. And I hope that more and more people feel this way.

So, my two reasons.

The intellectual reason why I am such a hawk about it is that I have been researching Big Tech for several years, and I know that zero aspects of this “health response” were developed in response to the pandemic. I know it and I can’t unlearn! Almost everything that happened in 2020 was a grotesque and exaggerated version of what I had written about previously, as a hypothetical, based on the trends that my eyes were witnessing in real life during the years leading up to it.

Here is what I wrote in a story that I published in 2015:

As a very irregularly-shaped human with zero Google-readable nanoparticles running through my bloodstream and no desire to put Google in charge of my immune system ever, I have no reason to be excited about their idea of my future, and no reason to buy into their carefully worded, self-serving publicity bullshit.

And here is a science fiction piece that I wrote in 2019 (in 2020, when I published it, I only added a sentence about the pandemic, which I could not and did not predict):

In order to gain control over the economy and human bodies, tech companies needed to first gain control over people’s thinking. So they created a strong push to shift all major human activities to the digital domain as digital footprints were initially much easier to track and monetize. They set up breadcrumbs and made the transition look like fun. Simultaneously, they built strong relationships with some of the most influential citizens and organizations of the time.

Etc. etc.

My intellectual bottom line is that a few weeks into “flattening the curve,” it felt as if my old articles about Big Tech’s agendas and theology were suddenly coming to life as if my magic—and the fact that such uncanny correlation existed did not inspire my confidence in the authenticity of the mainstream narrative—especially knowing how “public good” (wink, wink) had been a staple marketing gimmick of the Big Tech oligarchs for so many years! (And by the way, back in 2015, the same people who are so mad today about “spreading misinformation,” applauded me for writing what I wrote!)

So that was the intellectual reason.

The other reason was emotional. See, I know about abuse and I know how stress impacts decision-making. Both bits of knowledge are crucial to the understanding of my persistence.

Years ago, I was in an abusive marriage, and I was entirely and completely in denial. The reason I was in denial was that I did not associate myself with a demographic that could be abused. I went to top schools and got top grades, I traveled the world, I was praised by many for being “smart,” I had fought off a sex trafficker in China, I was able to land a nice job in America that was sponsoring my visa, etc. etc. In my opinion, “smart people” could not get abused because, well, they were smart—and obviously, abuse was reserved for “stupid people.”

Therefore, when my abusive ex called me derogatory names and made me feel intellectually inadequate (which came as a surprise after a rosy period of courting during which he was the sweetest guy in the world), I wrote it off as “your typical marriage difficulties.” And when he physically attacked me—like having his hands on my throat or dragging me down the stairs by my feet—I wrote it off as a series of really weird one-offs—and my brain immediately erased it. I was so scared to break the illusion of a presentable fairy tale in which I was fine, had a loving husband and wonderful in-laws, etc. etc. that I just maintained the illusion at my own expense! And then at one point my brain shut off, and I forgot who I was before I married him. And then one day, I found myself in jail, shackled to other inmates in the back of the car, bumping my head into the walls of the car, and grilled by seemingly sadistic officers who were asking me questions out of a James Bond movie, etc. etc… all because he decided that it would be a great idea to try to deport me as a “suspicious immigrant” and thus save his legal license from the possibility of me ever talking about abuse.

The pain and the injustice of that experience were tremendous, and until 2020 happened, I didn’t understand why I had to go through that experience from hell and why I had to see the face of the machine up close at such an early age. But come 2020, and it really worked out to my advantage. The moment I recognized the familiar signs of bullying, my confidence and preservation instincts kicked in full on, and I could care less about what anybody thought of me as long as I was loyal to my gut and brain.

The television behaved exactly like my abusive husband! It told me that I should not trust myself, that my senses were unreliable, and that I should abandon them. It told me that if I didn’t comply with the arbitrary measures and if I didn’t buy into the ever-moving goal posts, I was a bad apple and a bad person—and at that moment, I just knew that I was dealing with a bully. I knew that whenever anyone talks like this, they are not my friend.

At the same time, I saw how the prolonged onslaught of extremely effective stress-inducing messages, combined with the chaos in the hospitals and in the economy, impacted my dearest people—and I feel responsible for installing clarity because abuse is wrong, and my love is real. So that’s the second part of my emotional reason.

Stress is a poor companion, and prolonged stress is a total bandit.

For example, here is a funny story about fear-based marketing.

Once upon a time, also years ago, when things were “normal,” I studied marketing. (As an artist, I felt like I needed it.) At that time, there was a famous “marketing guru” selling courses on fear-based marketing. I heard about him, and I knew with certainty that I didn’t want to buy his disgusting course. But out of curiosity, I joined a webinar. I joined it—and what do you know, ten minutes into the webinar, I bought his disgusting course—and it wasn’t cheap!! Once I finished filling in the credit card number and hit “send,” the spell fell off, and I thought to myself, “Wow, what in the hell did just happen?”

I was simply stunned. And yes, I ended up returning the course, and I got my money back—but still, I was befuddled as to why I did what I did. Well, what happened was that he had stressed me out so much by pounding on the “fear of missing out” that my body went into a physiological stress-induced stupor, my brain shut off, and I reacted on fear instead of on internal clarity and own desires. Which is exactly what’s happening right now on a massive scale. We may all be very smart but we are creatures of biology—and bandits know how to use it to turn our thinking off!

So today, I feel like I am at an epistemological advantage. I am hawking over the “health response” because my heart is filled with love and desire to heal. And also because I am appalled by the injustice.

After having lived through various intense and educational experiences, I feel great compassion toward the people who are doing today what I’ve previously done myself under pressure. And there is pressure, there is so much pressure!!!

Now let’s talk about messaging, hospitals, cognition and epistemology.

One of the cornerstones of the stress-inducing process last spring was a horizon-to-horizon wall of stories of disease and death.

We are human beings and we feel. When we hear about people dying in our quarters—especially if it’s somebody we know, and we think it’s due to the harsh untreatability of the virus—we react on our immediate compassion, which is natural.

The stories of disease and dying were on 24/7. Any time of day and night, any channel, any mainstream station. Add to that the sounds of ambulances in empty lockdown’ed streets. Add to that the banging of pots and pans from the balconies. Add to that the surreal ads in empty Times Square. All of that was visceral and crawled on our senses.

But what was really happening inside the hospitals? Do we know what was happening inside the hospitals, and why it was happening? Can we know anything about it with certainty?

I am going to tread this very carefully because I am keen on getting as close to the truth as possible—and I hate sensationalism in journalism. So I am only going to talk about the things I know, while labeling hearsay and hypotheses as such.

Before we talk about hospitals in detail, I want to talk about epistemology (I can’t believe I am using this word again after not using it in ten years) and the emotional mechanisms through which we perceive reality.

By default, we always fall on the familiar. We default to the kind of reality that we understand and in which feel more or less in control of the linguistic framework. Any new facts that significantly disrupt our previous perception and that turn us into a naked baby in an unfamiliar world are automatically deflected by our brains—unless we know that doing so may be life-threatening to us.

That intellectual understanding of how important it is to explore reality head on—no matter where our honest exploration leads us—is usually obtained by going through an experience of seeing the face of the machine. It is through that experience that we learn, in the most visceral way, that the machine does exist, and that pretending that it does not exist can hurt. (Hence, seeing the face of the machine with own eyes serves as a mechanism that teaches us that staying true to reality can save our life.)

Without that memory of hurt, we always fall on the familiar—and I would be the first person to say that my brain works in the exact same way.

So, what was happening inside the hospitals?

Some context:

By some assessments, before COVID, around 400,000 people a year died in the U.S. from medical mismanagement and hospital-induced infections. I know that because somebody told me the stats, and I looked it up.

Two years ago, I had a family member in a good hospital in New York, and I am still scarred by how random and chaotic the care was, with the exception of the most excellent surgeons (to whom I am grateful). I was literally afraid to leave for more than 30 minutes because the moment I looked away, someone was doing something dangerous, out of being scattered or algorithmic.

Add to that the American fear of being sued over a deviation from the algorithm, and we have a condition in which a patient is merely a number, which obviously can lead to nothing good….

That was before the panic of 2020.

And yes, in the spring of 2020, people really were dying in New York hospitals! A doctor at a hospital in New York told me that their morgues were full.

But why were they dying? Do we know? Can we know without a thorough investigation?

The stories of killer ventilators and keeping COVID patients in positions that obstructed breathing have been written about plenty.

Then, some time in the spring of 2020, a nurse went undercover and, in her “Perspectives on the Pandemic” interview, she told stories of abysmal horror about what she had witnessed at the Elmhurst Hospital in New York. When I saw that, my hair stood up. Back then, I sent that video to friends—and I suspect that those who had seen the face of the machine thought it was credible, and those who hadn’t, didn’t watch it. (“It cannot be, it probably isn’t real—and if it is, it was probably a one-off,” etc. etc. Which is exactly how I was explaining away my abusive ex’s attacks as my brain refused to accept the fact that my reality really was horrible.)

I also have read reports on how elders in nursing homes were not receiving any COVID treatment—but instead, were given various sedatives and even medications used for euthanasia that likely contributed to their passing. I have not looked into those reports in detail because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it—elder abuse makes my heart explode—but those reports generally fit into the narrative of similar reports from before COVID about how the nursing home staff sedated annoying elders so as not to deal with them as human beings, and sometimes sedated them too much.)

[See also Ezekiel J. Emanuel, a medical ethicist and the brother of a former Mayor of Chicago, and his position on life and death and also his position on the mandatory v-shot; no I am not implying anything, just shedding some light on the train of thought.]

Then, there is Remdesivir. Recently, Dr. Ardis, a naturopathic doctor, came out with a shocking testimony in which he claimed that, in his opinion, hundreds of thousands of COVID patients were killed by Remdesivir.

I want to talk about that one, and I want to do it carefully.

Is it possible in principle that a crime of such proportions is currently taking place but everyone is kind of just looking away without saying a word? Unfortunately, I believe it’s possible. In today’s atmosphere, saying a word against the party line—or even thinking wrong thoughts—is very costly to people’s medical careers, and the CDC Guidelines are a very impactful algorithm. Plus, doctors are human, too—and just like all of us, they default to the familiar reality in which the CDC would never recommend a drug that kills.

Plus, to be fair, many doctors—including in the U.S.—aren’t towing the party line and… face the consequences.

[Case in point: As I was typing this sentence, I got an email about persecution of an outspoken UK doctor who—in no connection to Remdesivir—posted a viral video recently in which he condemned the official measures and said that, as a doctor, he simply could no longer participate in this cruel sham. (I am paraphrasing.) He is not having a great time right now.

And several days ago, Giuseppe de Donno, an Italian doctor who was known and admired for having successfully cured many COVID patients in Italy (and who was subsequently fired from his job), was found dead by hanging. They say it was a suicide.]

Also, as a matter of precedent, Fauci has a history of being credibly accused of great corruption and blocking cheap effective treatments while pushing very toxic ones. (You can read my article on Fauci or just go to this 1989 Spin report on AZT.) He is seemingly rather hated in the older gay community (hearsay, as I am not a member of that community) precisely for murdering a lot of people with AZT.

What about Remdesivir itself and its medical properties? Can it kill the way it is being prescribed to patients?

I am not a doctor, I have never taken Remdesivir and don’t know anyone who has—thus I am not qualified to either endorse or argue with Dr. Ardis’ medical opinion. However, it is true that it was tested for ebola in Congo (also here and here), and that it was terminated from the study based on an interim analysis. And it is also true that there are uncanny parallels between the logistical aspects around the approval of Remdesivir for COVID and the approval of AZT for AIDS.

I have sent out inquires to several trustworthy doctors to evaluate the medical soundness of Dr. Ardis’ conclusions, and hopefully I’ll know more when I hear from them. As of this moment, I don’t know—and I really want to know because if it’s true, it’s unspeakable, and we all need to cry together, and then work together to bring justice to the criminals. But also… if the public health policies are about health, and there is this suspicion, why do we get super weird massive censorship instead of a straightforward investigation into a potential crime?!

Something that I am also thinking about is a story I heard recently (so, hearsay). Allegedly, a man from the Hasidic Jewish community in New York who passed away at a hospital “from COVID” has left a note in Hebrew saying that they weren’t giving him water to drink. Is it true? Again, this is so cold-blooded and unthinkable that no good person would want to believe it’s true. But what if it is true? I personally know of horrible stories from the hospitals in the Soviet Union, so I know that human nature allows it. What if we living in a horror movie hidden behind the television screen, and what if we have a moral obligation to get to the truth? What if it’s the reason we are here?

One thing out of Dr. Ardis’ testimony that I can confirm as true is the slide from an October 2020 FDA presentation that listed various v-shot side effects that were, however, not explained to the public at all. That slide flashes between 2:33:41 2:33:42 for like a fifth of a second, in a nine-hour presentation. I would have never located it without the help from vigilant friends.

A special note about Multisystem Inflammatory Syndrome in Children: It is a new disease that allegedly started showing up in 2020, and that the CDC associates with COVID. That’s all I know, and in the name of journalistic rigor, that’s all I am going to say.

I’d like to end with bringing all the points together.

See, all this is so involved and so complex and so potentially disruptive to our pre-COVID understanding of reality that coming anywhere close to understanding it requires thousands of hours of parsing though numbers, covertly updated definitions (check this out), webs of nepotism (check this out), interviews that get removed from YouTube after a couple of days, and so on. It really is super time-consuming!

And what normal person has the time for this?

And this is how the propagandists wear us out—because mainstream news is readily available anywhere we go, no need to parse. The 24/7 fearmongering is always on, and one doesn’t need to go look for it. It just finds us wherever we are, while dissidents are silenced in the Soviet manner. It’s amazing to think about it but—this is factual— entire teams of psychologists and high-end public relations experts (and beyond) are working together to modify our behavior, on the citizens’ dime. The abuse is real—and we need all the love in the world to melt it.

(Thank you!)