Politically Homeless: How I Kept My Soul in 2020

I'm sick of lies by corporate theologians.

I meant to write this story as an exploration of something that pains me, “the left’s” acceptance of abusive pandemic measures as “public good.” In the process, it became a story about me in 2020. Plus, the virus, the hijacking of “compassion,” the collective trance, the left, and many other things. Please allow me to take you on a journey.

As I was standing in line at a pharmacy, the quintessential place for the pre-2020 American “normal,” with all its country music playing on the background and its standard selection on the shelves, my mind transported me to a pure and straightforward world.

A world where a novel virus showed up from bats. A world where masks work to stop the virus (as bravely and brilliantly discovered in April 2020), and strict lockdowns prevent the spread. A world where a group of benevolent rich people are working selflessly (or almost selflessly) to help the poor people of the world. My sweet child, what an easy, attractive world that is! Sweet, like a hardworking mother with kind eyes. Straight like broad-shouldered Camel smoker.

I’m almost crying now as I am typing this, crying with a longing for simplicity and ease. I LOVE that world! It’s not real but I love it. The enchanted urban forest of slogan’y compassion is very much like my grandparent’s world in which wise party leaders led the struggling workers toward the proverbial bright future, also selflessly. This. Feels. So. Good. I. Want. To. Stay.

But dreams don’t last. Tears of purity still flowing down my cheeks, this sweet world starts to slip away right through my fingers, because it’s fiction, as it’s always been. And now that it’s gone, I am alone again, with no official stories to hold on to. But then the senses kick in intensely, and the real world feels a lot more beautiful than the one I visited. Beautiful, sweeter than all fiction, and full of love, once we get through this maze of smoke and mirrors and abuse.

This year has been so abusive.

You know, back in in spring, I superworried just like everybody else. I wore a mask just in case, even though several doctors reassured me that it would be a mere symbolic gesture for a respiratory virus. Then I got sick. It was extremely unpleasant and excruciating—but it did something meaningful to me. It cleared up my head and made me particularly unsympathetic to bullshit and fear mongering. My soul rebelled against fear.

Fiercely, I realized that life exists to live it. That joy is what makes our lives worth living. That everybody has the right to be as cautious as they want—but no coercion. That death exists but we cannot live in constant fear. That it’s important to be present, to take care of your health, to eat well, to breathe freely, and to hug your loved ones. Imagine if you can live for a thousand years like a Pavlov’s dog on a leash, without hugging. Would you even take it? I wouldn’t.

And if someone believes that self-isolation and masks wearing while healthy are helpful, they are entitled to arranging their life accordingly—but not to bullying others. State-approved neurosis is still neurosis. There is abundant evidence suggesting that these “measures” are not based on science or even benevolence but frequent repetition from “trusted sources” can spook the smartest minds, so please do as you wish, just no bullying please. There are many signs that 2020 became the year when western states decided to abuse their citizens and put us against each other in novel ways. I feel like it’s not very hard to see if you look calmly and without prejudice—but I accept other people’s pace of figuring it out, and pray for peace.

Hell, because I know what it’s like to be abused and in denial of abuse, I’ll even begrudgingly wear the stupid thing for those of my close friends who want to talk in person but are scared to be close to an open human face. Friendship first! But respect goes both ways. It’s not right that some of my friends who in 2016 legitimately complained about being yelled at for voting independent (“thus endangering America”) today “despise” those who are saying no to state abuse. Despise based on what? Pravda coverage? “Can you please wear this thing because I am scared” is very different from “If you don’t wear it you are a f***ing nazi.”

Yes, there are many things about this pandemic (“pandemic” at this point, outside the spook) that break my heart. I am all up in arms about the fact that against all conventions and moral norms, there has been a visible and concerted effort to suppress and sometimes straight out ban effective treatments from all over the world (including Africa, which—surprise—is doing very well), while intentionally promoting destructive methods and protocols “in the name of science.” Our kings are heartless servants of the corporate theologians! And the journos not doing their job are the servants’ servants.

I am disgusted with the humanity-betraying politicians who have been lying shamelessly, as if—as if—they’ve been bribed by certain institutions to destroy human life as we know it and to prepare their nations for the economic and religious reform known as the Great Reset, a modern version of the Manifest Destiny. Just like the national leaders of the past centuries who mandated that their subjects convert to a new religion! Never did I think that I would have to live through a time like that!

I am vomit-level disgusted by how the elders were treated in the past ten months, from sending COVID patients to nursing homes, to locking the elders up like prisoners, to letting people die alone like cattle. In what world?!!! I have no words. How can one anyone accept this level of abuse against elders? How desensitized does one have to be to rationalize away this cold-blooded sadism?

I am outraged that it’s been known since spring that the PCR tests used to determine everything in life were as accurate as Theranos. Ten months in, with the citizens irreversibly terrorized out of their minds and the wonder product now on the market, the WHO has finally admitted that if the PCR cycle threshold is too high, the tests will produce false positives. That’s ten months too late!!!

So yes, I am pretty mad, and I don’t like it that my people, “the left,” are, like, “put your mask on and we’ll get through this.” Get through what, the pandemic that in earnest ended back in spring and now it’s just abuse?

I’ve spent months wondering why so many extremely intelligent and brave people on the left are hush about the totalitarian developments of the past ten months, despite the total absurdity of the situation. I am not talking about the highly-paid, DNC-connected apparatchiks who just say empty words while checking their bank accounts. (Those characters are timeless and attach to any paying ideology.) I mean sincere people. Some of them, the people I respect, the people who have been brave and outspoken about other “forbidden” topics. There is no reason so suspect them of fear or cowering to power—and yet, “wear your mask and we’ll get through this.”

If you are curious, let me define my politics. I think that politics is hopeless at the moment, I am allergic to the counterproductive battle of the isms, and I insist that I can can be friends with people in any camp. Historically, my American politics has been “liberal,” but in the past five years the “liberal” talking points became bizarre, as if the corporations finally succeeded at their distorted mirrors. So now I am politically homeless. I stand my human ground and try to use my heart, ideologies be damned.

Growing up, I saw the tragedy of the betrayed Soviet elders who had believed in something all their lives, fought the war for it, went through poverty for it—and then in their old age, were told by a different set of leaders and by own grandchildren that everything they had believed in was a lie. It felt so helplessly heartbreaking. So in my own life, I make a tremendous effort to filter out ideology and get to human points. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t—but I try.

Importantly, I believe that our problems are caused not by “systems” but by human choices, concrete choices of concrete human beings. Blaming “the system,” to my senses, is a cop-out, which allows one to sleep—or even march while sleeping—in the kingdom of abstractions. The “blame the system” paradigm invites “systemic thinkers” to solve existing problems, instead of inviting the wisdom of the universe and human agency. “Systemic thinkers” tend to mess things up, not because thinking big is bad but because five minutes into systemic thinking, something happens to the head, and the person turns into a conveyor operator. Every “system” on earth has been used to abuse both the nature and the people. Thus, I am convinced that the answers come not from isms but from sticking with the heart.

On a side note, I think that political divisions are being used to keep us perpetually stressed and fighting with each other instead of thinking straight. I actually believe that our in-television battling “talking heads” get along with each other just fine. My theory is that they yell at each other on TV, get everybody angry, and then laugh together at the impressionable peasants. Like, imagine you are in a movie scene, in the middle of the ocean. There are three characters: you, Trump, and Biden. One of them (Trump or Biden, pick any) is in a life boat that fits two people. If he can only take one along, whom will he take? I fear that it’s not you.

So, why are so many of “the left” not concerned about the nightmarish totalitarian developments? My theory is that it’s because of that hijacked compassion trigger—and also because of isms.

First, let’s talk about the hijacked “compassion.” Left-leaning people tend to psychologically identify with “social justice”—which is healthy and praiseworthy, except at times when cunning propagandists distort the language and swap meanings of important words, while the emotion is still pointing to where it thinks it sees the kindness. Don’t forget, a lot of horror happened in the early Soviet Union because the leaders labeled murder and robbery as “public good,” and then sold the updated definitions to the masses.

And undeniably, today, the propagandists of the Great Reset etc. are redefining the willingness to self-abuse as “kindness” and compassion. That is the beast I know well. That emotional condition was very heavy in the Soviet culture. I spent many years getting it out of my system because it harmed me. So when I saw it here and now, I recognized it and said no. But those who have never dealt with it—and especially those who might be feeling guilty for having comfort—hello, the work from home class—are more vulnerable to this beast, especially when they get it from the “trusted sources.”

So what the machine is doing is telling well-intended people that they are “good” if they follow the instructions from those “trusted sources.” My observation is that the people who have experienced true hardship at the hands of the machine in the past don’t go for it—but the ones who might be feeling guilty for their comfortable status go for it gladly, as if it gives them a sense of redemption and belonging. So we end up with this:

Another factor, I think, is being hung up on isms. Could it be, at least in part, that strong “anti-capitalist” slogans in people’s heads are making them not see the human machine operators? This is a working theory, not a verdict—but I wonder if it’s true.

If the emotion of human greed is tied to “capitalism,” and if one does not believe in the existence of a higher power or purpose in a spiritual sense, one might get tempted to “make the world better” by promoting the “communal” element—based on rules, not by tapping into the internal mysterious feeling that makes one respect life and be in awe of nature. And then the desire to do away with capitalism drives the POV. In other words, anything that kills capitalism is good, and whenever there is a hammer….

[Here, I want to interject by saying that the conversation about isms in America is strange to me; my experience tells me is that “communism” and “capitalism” are only total opposites in theory—but in practice, “communism” does not really exist, it is just a super monopolistic and extreme version of “capitalism” with a twist, something that no one talks about much. (If you look at how it played out in practice, you’ll see that both the American and the Soviet systems have abused people and nature plenty, and they managed to do so under opposing isms and “means of production” ownerships; ) And while I prefer a moderate version of capitalism out of all available systems for broken people, the Great Reset is not remotely Marxist, either. Importantly, the tragic separation of human beings from the motherly power of nature started before any capitalism.]

So here is what the approximate “leftist” story of 2020 looks to me:

• Capitalism is the tumor and has always been.

• The virus showed up in spring, making human contact lethal.

• Greedy corporations only care about the profits, so naturally they wanted to stay open, endangering the workers.

• So what we need—because human contact is still lethal—is to shut down the economy forever (if it kills capitalism, good), and have the government pay everybody until… until… well until it’s over. What’s over? Well, over is when someone trustworthy says it is.

• So the story is exclusively about greedy corporations and noble workers during a dangerous pandemic (and NOT remotely about crazy stuff like greedy founders of corporations bribing politicians to block effective treatments while also helping the mega wealthy to set the stage for the Great Reset).

• And any bit of news that supports the narrative about greedy corporations endangering the workers feels right, and therefore needs amplification.

• So after all this is over, there will be a fairer world, a communal world where happy workers will work happily and sing. Naturally, since they are not capitalists, they are going to treat the planet well, especially if they are people of color.

• That’s obvious.

• So what we need is to get through this (with the help of government money to help the working people), and then enjoy this new world.

• The closure of small business is sad, but small business owners are not as valuable, and in any case, they, too, should be receiving government money, so all good.

• Good morning only to those people who still think we are in the middle of a dangerous pandemic (because we are, and Dr. Fauci is a hero because he disagrees with Trump.)

• A better world is near.

• We are in this together (except Republicans).

Thus, if capitalism is the problem—and not the pride of a human being divorced from nature, or the lack of wisdom and humility, or the lack of respect for the mystery of life and other people’s free will—then anything speeding up the fall of capitalism is good, however painful (and it would not be even painful if the a**holes in the governments paid the UBI).

The trajectory is illustrated by this awful video (I personally near vomited as I watched it):

Solutions? I think, again, that balanced solutions can only come from a very pure place in the heart, not from “ideas.” Ideas can be very good but they need to be guided by the sense of human decency and be rooted in an appreciation of free will. So, what we are doing now doesn’t work.

Maybe we can make a leap of faith and try to remember the point in time when the separation from nature started?

Once upon a time, people knew that nature was their parent, not their enemy or an inanimate resource. Then some freshly minted leaders invented “progress” and started shaming (and killing) people who still wanted to be free and live with nature. In some parts of the planet it happened earlier, in some parts of the planet it happened recently.

When the people from Europe—where it happened earlier—came to the Americas, they started shaming (and killing) the people who were still free and were close to nature. It wasn’t about “white people” and “people of color,” it was about the people who had long forgotten their roots in nature the people who still remembered and probably couldn’t imagine the depth of brokenness and obscenity that existed in the souls of their invaders.

The invaders did the “divide and conquer” thing, playing free people and free nations against each other. This is how the country was born. And today, again, the leaders and the digital invaders are inventing “progress” and trying to separate the people from each other and from nature even further, this time with AI, fancy tech, and a lot of bullying.

So I think that in order to start solving it, we need to forget about isms and to sing songs of camaraderie and gratitude for all people who have ever wanted to be free and live with nature, and sing songs of sorrow and healing for all people who wanted to take the freedom and the dignity away from others. And most importantly, as we sing, we need to protect and honor our hearts.

I think that we are looking at a tremendous opportunity for healing. Maybe this time around we can remember not to fall into the “divide and conquer” trap that our invaders have set up? Maybe this time around we can remember that if we fall into the trap, we’ll hurt ourselves a lot?

Here’s my non-partisan ending to the story about isms.

If you are feeling generous and are in the position to donate $5 a month (or one time, or anything), I will be very grateful. Thank you!!