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Tickled to Death's avatar

Lately I have let myself acknowledge my loneliness. (Yet I am not totally on my own. I live with my beautiful lover who is decades younger than I. But there is little connection beyond that. We become a failed business entity of two, alone again.)

I wish there was a wholesome way that I COULD conform. That I could be a part of SOMETHING and not a lonely failed business entity. There are two supposedly opposing machines.

The other side of the communinst conformity state is conforming to the reaction of the Ayn Rand rugged individualist business world free-market concept.

I look back at my own life at that moment of liberation from what was in the childhood structure that I had to go along with. This was a civilization in northern Ohio, my father a high school dropout steel mill worker, my mother a clerical worker. The schools seemed mostly designed to produce football players and soldiers for the Vietnam war. I hated it and essentially didn’t participate. I did not want to conform to that. But there was the television and another world presented that I did wish to be part of. I was a good looking white boy with some potential. I got in local community theater and there I was a bit of a star and found something I wanted to conform with.

(You say as a teenager you rebelled. Did that rebellion contain that possibility of using your assents to stardom, finding comfort in and protection from the loneliness of rebellion in that? I think this was my experience.)

Later, right after high school I had a group of friends. We were all young and we had interesting substances we took together that helped us bond, LSD and pot.

I conformed in 1970 as a Yippie. As part of a Movement that was righteous.

But after all that failed, feel apart, was defeated, I drifted into more individualism, which is the core lesson of our commercial society

So as not to go on and on here, what I am trying to say is that the choice we are presented with is conformity to consumerism or STARDOM. The stardom being an entity that others want to bond with because of personal power or success. Stardom or business success. The stardom can be business type, the Trump entities or wannabes. Or even a sort of spiritual stardom, the guru, of the cult leader like Keith Rainere. Or I guess the rock star. These as essentially the same, lost lonely damaged boys(aand some girls I guess and some gender nutural) gatthering others around them to praise or fuck them when they feel empty and need a boost.

Where is the wholesome hunter-gatherer tribe? Where is the team human? I have no fucking idea at this point. I don’t know where I fit in or if I even can even bring myself to want to fit in.

I just watch the clock run out and hold out hope of ultimate reentry.

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Kyle Young's avatar

Our universe is conscious, although there may be some humans that are not from this universe.

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