The situation with the shelter has not improved (still very long lines, garbage, and many dejected people sleeping outside) but this story is not about my block but about a philosophical train ride
fair enough. since you've expressed concern for you newer readers, here again is my view on the internet name thing:
is anyone on the internet reliably who they say they are? i respect anyone choosing to assume that everyone who uses a normal-sounding name is automatically someone of honest, forthright character. i make no such assumptions. nor do i assume that those who use a fake name are automatically dubious characters seeking to conceal devious, malicious intent.
when socially engaging on the internet, i am content that our words and actions most reliably reveal who we are, what is important about us, that a name in itself reveals nothing meaningful about a person. to me, this is internet 101. even photos tell you nothing if you haven't met the sender in person.
i've been on the internet since day one. rather quickly i came to the conclusion that a certain degree of anonymity diligently and consistently applied is simply good internet hygiene. in real life, anyone would get my name in a heartbeat. that is, if it were my choice to meet you.
Since day one, meaning first ARPANET? :) That would make sense why you would be trying to introduce an irrational pendulum behavior to my page, Edgar, and why you keep trying that for over three years now!
Anonymity is all great and fine but when every now and then, you anonymously attack somebody who is not anonymous (me), and do it in a manner that is lacking rhyme or reason, rhetoric about anonymity is merely a hypocrisy. Just because on other occasions you can produce a semblance of a reasonable, philosophically inclined entity with a great command of the English language, it does not erase history of your destructive behavior. I will leave it at that, Edgar (anonymous). I do not think you are remotely for real.. Whether you are paid to create confusion, or whether you are 'next generation AI," it is not interesting to me.
funny you should mention ARPANET. actually it was me who invented the internet. but then Al Gore came along and took all the credit. very much like the tragic story of Nikola Tesla, who invented modern AC power distribution and then the bankers instead held aloft Thomas Edison who then waltzes into the history books as the big hero.
i never got over it. this is the cause of my eternally sour disposition. to my horror, i've become a penniless, bitter old man with nary a friend in the world. you are correct in your assessment of my character. you have displayed grace, loving temperament and long-suffering courage in allowing me to remain. i bow my head. i kneel before you, guilty as accused. i duly and sincerely apologize. so shall it be henceforth, that exercise of good and proper restraint shall enable me to belch forth no further quantities of my vicious bile upon your writings.
As I listened to Soul Eaters, I suddenly understood why Elon Musk changed Twitter to X. Not that I care except he is also a soul eater and I keep one eye on them off and on, but I saw it.
That and the skies here in rural OK where I live have been marked for weeks with giant X's and suddenly everyone is sick. Oh. Boy.
I have wondered for a while now why they make large Xs in the skies so often.
X marks the spot. The spot of spreading disease and heavy metals to contaminate air, water and soil and all living things.
Elon Musk keeps thrusting his tech into the skies and polluting with SpaceX satellite frequencies and "space crafts" and fake Tesla cars in "space" and the "space" between our ears with Neurolink and, of course, Twitter. As he kills the birds with his tech, the birds who do actually twitter, though less everyday, he has now renamed his "social media" site as X. And how do we denote something is dead in cartoons, etc.? Xs over the eyes.
And yet people still think Elon Musk is a "cool" guy. How I have come to detest the term "cool". Dead things are "cool" to the touch. Living things are warm and hot blooded and capable of LOVE and JOY.
X marks the spot. Sign at the X. Sign your life and all life away...
The skies are still pure and beautiful and sacred behind the Xs. They cannot be cancelled or killed by a bunch of stupid Xs. They have lost before they ever began.
Kinda funny, kinda sad that comments suggesting Tessa get out of NYC persist. Been saying that for years. Even offered her financial help to do so (still stands T. Heck, let's double it).
At this point, can't help but engage in a bit of speculation as to her reasons why:
NYC, the bad:
1) The rents. It is utterly financially crippling to live there if you are not Yoko Ono Lennon sitting on a pile of gold. What you pay to live in what is essentially a converted broom closet could rent you an entire house elsewhere. Maybe even two.
2) The filth. Walking through Chinatown w/ my gf some years ago, an older lady restaurant employee emerged from the front door and heaved a huge stinking bucketload of fish guts right out onto the sidewalk just before we walked by. She looked at us grimly and went back inside. We walked out into the street to avoid slipping in the foulness that looked like Godzilla had vomited. I looked at my girlfriend incredulously like "wtf was that slovenliness?" She chuckled and said "It rains a lot in New York."
3) The people. Waiting for a train on an outdoor trestle in Queens one afternoon, I was flipped off by small black child across from me on the opposite rail. It couldn't have been more than 5 years old. (okay, well, that was kinda awesome and made me laugh heartily.)
4) The cops.
5) The trains.
6) The weather. Sticky hot in summer, bitter cold in winter. You are essentially living in a forest of gargantuan concrete trees. Sunlight hits the sidewalks once a day for about ten minutes. If you need more than that then you gotta get out and go after it because it sure as hell ain't coming through the windows where you live.
NYC, the good:
1) The arts. Just stunning the quantity, quality and variety of artistic output in NY. Perhaps more of that here than anywhere else in the world. If you did nothing but check the arts for 2 weeks straight you would still not scratch the surface.
2) The food. Same as above, insert "food" where you see the word "artistic". Not all of it is great, but even the crappy food is pretty good and you can get it at any hour, day or night.
3) The people. Never in my life have I been so blown away by total strangers embracing my presence as one of their own than during my visits to New York. Just powerful, no bullsh*t realness on another level everywhere you go.
4) Transit system. Not always in great shape but, if you can't find a way to get where you need to go then you are ready for the graveyard.
5) The neighborhoods. No matter what kind of person you are, your tribe is here.
6) The nightlife. Ditto.
Somewhere in all that above is our dear courageous Tessa, swimming with the sharks, flying among the angels and the demons, no doubt finding that what she likes indeed outweighs what she doesn't.
Edgar, I have no idea who you are, you have been acting very erratic on my page (for over three years now I think) swinging from mad compliments to aggressive and bizarre remarks, you refused to tell me your name, and I don't think you offered me anything. I am thick-skinned and all but just setting the record straight so that there is no false reality forming in comments.
agreed. a while back i did offer financial help should you choose to move but, i guess you missed that. no problem. from here forth we'll be very clear then. let the record be straightened.
when folks here suggest you relocate to a more rural area away from the big city, my sense is they do so with sincere concern for your well-being given how they feel about you, how they see the kind of person you are. no doubt those who've stuck with you in here over the years remain because you've gotten under their skin. you've touched our hearts and continue to do so. unlike many other substack pages of similar subject matter, the people here, the ones who stay, comment and read post after post are, in my view, a wonderful, compassionate, fire-y bunch of sweet misfits. much like yourself. it's a special place. the light here cast by a presiding spirit of real human love tends to keep the trolls away. this is your doing, Tessa. it's no small feat.
speaking only for myself, and i suspect others here who recommend you move out of NYC speak from a similar point of view, the reason i believe that not just NYC, but any big city may be a spiritually toxic environment for you is that i've learned (the hard way, of course) that this is the case for me. my entire life up until 2014 was lived in a big city. i'd probably still be there if i hadn't been literally forced to move being physically attacked by my psychotic bully next-door neighbor after a long build-up of tension. fighting him, legally or otherwise, was not an option
some years before i'd bought a little house with a bit of surrounding acreage in some mountains, not exactly close by, but not so far away as to make the drive there too exhausting. i spent small amounts of time up there, 1 - 2x a month and really enjoyed it yet never for a moment did i imagine that i'd be able to live there full time and be happy. like you, i need my friends. i need live rock music of all kinds, i like to kick up a little ruckus, ride motorcycles, drink beer and have a good time. what the hell would i do with myself up in the mountains full time? too quiet, not enough people, certainly none of my friends, no big art scene, music that bores me. i'd go nuts. i just liked the clean air, the rugged beauty, the colorful, simple wild-folk nearby and momentary solitude. i'd take it in small doses and then i was back to the city, my real home.
ah, but fate had other plans for me. being forced to move, i looked for something near where i was for about a month. but time was not on my side. i had to do this quick or i might arrive home one evening and find my cats dead having been poisoned by tainted hot dogs dropped through my mail box by mr. psycho neighbor. soon enough it was clear that there were no living options available that were as good as what i had. i decided that i could buy time by heading up to my mountain digs and continuing the search from up there. so i packed up my kitties and their toys and carpeted climb-y things and drove up there.
i never left. what happened to me up in the mountains was totally unexpected. while i spent days scanning ads and making calls to find a place to live in the city, something i was mostly unaware of was taking place within my body and mind. after weeks of having no luck finding a place, i sat there on my couch and looked around at my mostly empty mountain house, no tv, no internet, (i wasn't going to live there so why bother with cable or ISP?) my cats appearing visibly happier and healtheir than they'd ever been...i looked out the beautiful view from big windows, blue jays screeched, squirrels scampered up and down my pine trees.....light snow began to fall melting as soon as it hit the ground... i walked outside and watched snowflakes land then melt into my skin....stood there listening to mostly dead silence interspersed with the critter sounds.
i realized that i wasn't bored at all. in fact i had a warm feeling of contentment that i'd never known before in my life. and i mean never. i began to wonder "could i live here"?weeks turned into months. i gave up the search and rented out my place in the city.
this may sound weird to some, perhaps others are going to easily understand-- what happened was that a dormant spirit within me, something sweet and powerful that had been hiding in the corners of my body/mind my entire life slowly came up and out and stood there with me like a very sweet gentle friend who does not speak.
i realized right there and then that this being had always been there inside me but it had remained asleep, or dormant, because life in the city was simply too.....hectic? loud? stinky? stressful? i don't know really, but clearly it was cool with the mountain environment. and so there i was, with a very chill new friend inside of me that was a better friend than any i'd ever known or even now know. i realized i didn't really need anyone else, that i'd only adapted to city life having been born there and so knew only that which was acclimated to that kind of environment.
who was this new friend? well, duh. it was me. the totality. my whole life previous i'd been firing only half my cylinders, chasing after my dreams inside a sputtering clunker. not that i'm now perfect or anything, the demons still fly but at least i'm able to chase them down and deal with them with the help of this powerfully sweet new friend. i love my friends in the city and i still keep them, still see them, (today actually), just not as often.
fast forward a couple years and i find that something really important to me in life, my love of making music, which had pretty much died along the way, came roaring back to life enabling me to do something i'd always wanted to do but never did-- make an album i was proud of.
it is in this light, Tessa, that i propose that a move out of the city may have an unexpected, deeply positive effect on your being as it did on mine. i know it can be scary to pack up and leap away from a life that what one knows and loves, one that one has become comfortable navigating, one where social roots have been established and borne fruit. i myself most certainly would have never moved had i not been forced to. (thank you, mr. psycho neighbor. i sincerely mean that.)
maybe life has a way of steering us toward where our deeper dreams may be found? if ones' passion is alive and kicking, the mysterious unseen forces operating out there beyond our understanding just may rise up and kick us somewhere that turns out to be the perfect place to find what we're after or learn what you need to learn. this has been the case for me.
should the day ever come where you feel relocating might indeed be a good idea, i am happy to help. my original offer was 3 months' rent on the new place. let's double that to six. no strings. one artist to another. i actually do this kind of thing a lot. no big deal. no need to know me, trust me or even like me. this can be done with minimal contact and minimal effort. you obviously have your reasons for being wary of me and i don't at all mind. if you ever want to discuss details privately, you have my email address.
Edgar, I am not talking about folks here, I am talking about you. For some internal reasons that are not known to me, you have been alternating between being extremely sweet (almost too sweet) and being angry and irrationally attacking me on the most bizarre grounds. I have no time for this! it's been close to four years of this! When I asked you to reveal who you actually are, you never did. As far as I am concerned, you could be either an unbalanced human being or an entity trying to cause trouble in a very elaborate manner since you have a fantastic command of the English language and can build sophisticated structures that pass for interesting philosophy.. And then once you get the attention for your elaborate statements, you go into the attack mode inevitably so. You do know how to use the English language well. But you have shown your dark side a number of times, and it invalidates any elaborate English sentences you haver subsequently produced. You are either not okay, or not sincere. Or perhaps not even human but I really have no idea, and no time to look into it deeper. I just don't want you to confuse new readers by your weaved statements.
i hear you, Tessa. i hear you and accept your view of me without resentment. at this point it's certainly all out there, and then some, your misgivings about me. what more is there to say on my end other than i speak from a heart that is as real as your own?
you are a remarkable lady. my offer stands. i will not retract it.
Once again, Edgar, after a rather insane and destructive back-and-forth pendulum dance you have been doing on my page for over three years, going from reasonable to hysterical to reasonable to hysterical, this statement of yours is a joke, or a part of a psychological game, I don't know if you are human or a bot, or if you are getting paid to disrupt and confuse but in any case, you are not a friend of mine, that's for sure. So please, down with the games, Edgar, down with the games. Your linguistic skills are impressive but there is nothing underneath.
You have never even told me your actual name, you throw tantrums every time I ask. The question remains. What is your name, assuming you are an actual human being and not AI?
Why live in NYC? Lots of much better, cleaner places to be mentally and physically, and much less expensive too. My brother and his wife lived in San Francisco for 50 years, they finally got out and don't regret it. My nephew still lives there in my brother's old place, and says there are still some great places in the city, but ....... Perhaps one's tribe is located there, and it's hard to leave. This kept my brother in SF for a while, but his friends all left too. It's a shame, used to be such an incredible city.
I love the land, and my friends are here. The administrative component has decayed significantly since 2020 but the land and the people in my circles are still wonderful
Jesus. Conjuring memories of living in Brooklyn (Ft. Hamilton) taking the R-train in the late 1980’s. I still cannot believe how horrible it still is. I’ve got novels still to write, however, none so pleasant. From the moment you enter the subway stairwell, horrible urine orders and rats the size of possums. I still miss the beauty and diversity of the people, though. I miss Brooklyn, home of Carl Sagan, good beer, coffee, pizza, bagels... I don’t miss the criminals of government I was profiling. They are still as nasty today as those grotesquely oversized rats back in the day. But I’m still such a miserable optimist; still believing I can save them, the people, indirectly, by ending the inhumane government systems—of corrupt, satanic pyramid systems—outside our jurisdiction trapping everyone, you know, for a humane people’s-built system via real grassroots republic democracies, honest fair trade taxes and un-corruptible governments managing our infrastructure—not using it against us like those shit, diseased rats trapped to the underground by monsters, then coming out at night… Alright, that’s enough. Time for Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. 👉🏽🥯 ☕️🍕🍻🌭 🧘🏻♂️💨 🌈🌷 🌞 ☃️🎄…Now I’m happy-sad, and still thinking about those damn rats. I don’t blame Tessa, though. I do blame the rats; Rudy Giuliani, Trump and Biden, Clinton(s), Cuomo(s), Schumer…
Oh, but I am, thank you. But I’ve got so much going at the same time, it’s truly maddening, both sci-fi and several other non-fiction titles, my live program in development, plus endless research, my substack and the upcoming money-rigged & media-manipulated presidential elections…and so the Army/government books must be worked on at a much slower pace.
Speaking of “Language Swapping;” word manipulations, double-speak, and don't forget gaslighting in your upcoming discussion: Americans are constantly told how terrible it is in other countries like Cuba, all of S. America, Arabia, Africa, China, Russia…, most of which is counter-intelligence PsyOps with some reality mixed in, meanwhile most are still so oblivious that these same monsters controlling American politics & perceptions are working over all of our minds, globally. However, I’m sensing that the people are becoming more aware of the truths—not as fast as I’d like—but still, they are beginning to understand that humanity is truly beautiful, that overpopulation is a fraud and that just a few monsters have total control over our textbooks, media and minds; that “they” have been lying to everyone about climate change, scarcity, terror, war and the real cause of disease; stress they have manufactured.
If the majority allow themselves to keep falling into “distracting traps” and don’t begin to realize their true potential and power to overcome these monsters and their misuse of AI and nanotechnologies, “they” will destroy all of humanity. (When I use the term “they,” I’m referring to those at the very top of their pyramid of powers who control their lower-level lieutenants in politics, appointees and mainstream media who are totally responsible for all of the world’s “manufactured” fear & problems.)
I realize your new focus is “contamination,” and I agree, just that it’s mostly synthetic (non-organic) and is destroying humans inside-out, directly within their DNA, literally eroding their souls. This is not sci-fi or conspiracy, but deadly real and has been quickly evolving in secret prior to the 1960’s. I’ve never been emotionally trapped to beliefs, but I do get angry over how so many lawyers, politicians, talented media personalities, doctors and scientists manipulate real science and “words,” particularly psychologists & lawyers in government and media who are methodically “driving” how and what people think, and not just with words & images, but using technology (weapons) on a cellular and DNA level.
I keep repeating, as Carl Sagan used to say, “I don’t want to Believe (come to an emotional decision about reality), I want to Know (understand on a scientific level).” That requires free minds like yours—free and constantly evolving thoughts and ideas. Free to change your mind over and over, without fear, just as you have said, repeatedly. I do love your mind, Tessa, and the day we agree on everything without argument I will know something is not right.
Nothing is more beautiful to me than naturally-diversified, free, independent minds & souls; nothing is more horrific and sickening to me than people behaving like synthetic, unnatural Borg all in agreement doing and thinking exactly the same. I grew up with identical twins, my mother and aunt, and they NEVER agreed, or believed or felt the same about anything and were always challenging each-other, thank God.
Philosophical train rides - I'm all for it. Since I travel by rail a lot and never carry a smartphone on my person, my choices are: imbuing the land- or city-scape gliding past the window; observe passengers; reading, an ancient method of absorbing info plus daydreaming.
Thanks to the reverie you poured into eloquent words, I was (somewhat painfully) reminded of a time in my life when I could not watch other people on public transport without seeing a plethora of broken marriages, tales of abuse unfolding within seconds, souls on the run, people in some stage of mind-alteration;, plus the sort of people you've once or twice referred to as "wobbly-folk".
Always taking a book with me before embarking on a streetcar, subway or train did help me maintain a modicum of sanity; later I shed this (somewhat crude) method of warding off unasked-for attention. I was lucky in I didn't feel any guilt about erecting an invisible wall around me, yet even luckier when I kicked that habit as I realized I was no longer necessary to holding onto a few (well...) traumas myself, including those handed down to me.. My point is: ways to navigate the world are never set in stone, a simple truth you for one never seem to lose sight of, Tessa. Thanks!
I am not a city boy. I've been in the Big Apple a couple of times-- it's awesome and awful. Big cities suck out one's joy of life. Go to the upstate. Take a walk in the leaves, breathe in some fresh crisp autumn air. Enjoy life.
Dear Tessa... Here is a link to the Beatles 'Way Across The Universe' to inspire you about the wonder of it all. Jai guru deva, om... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90M60PzmxEE
SIC TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI ... interesting. About five days ago I used this phrase as a subject line in an email. I used it for the first time in my life. But yes. It is passing.
I used it to describe my visit to a monastery located in a no-man's land between Bohemia and Poland. It was a reaction to an altarpiece - a macabre but beautiful work of art.
We have all lived countless lives. The bulk probably not physical?, because this is a fairly recent stop on the divine human evolutionary timeline. It is to be expected that the physical world and ability to reincarnate into it wouldn't last long (thousands of years being relative). We currently occupy bodies at the pinnacle of transformation. At some point there is nothing left to learn, so moving on inevitable and a force of Nature (for those who have done the work).
The physical world has devolved into a constant 3-circle circus, ringmastered by fallen entities who can't leave; permanent residents (until Mother Earth inevitably trades places with, soon, Jupiter?). We don't need a physical sheath to house our astral, etheric and ego aspects. Indeed, as we further evolve, our physical body experience will decay as we transcend to our more imperishable parts.
Anybody can get trapped here with vampires and psychos on malevolent paths. So caution advised. A focus on the spiritual worlds, and angelic hierarchical realms is infinitely enduring. Always operating and moving in higher and higher dimensions of existence bathed in love and freedom where joyful learning knows no end.
It is sad to watch this implosion of the reality we have known (especially re: family and friends). But a necessary step. The Earth realm was the place for introduction of individual self-awareness, ego––initial playing around with it. And then securing this knowledge into next Epoch of human maturation.
A lovely essay. As always, you speaking to our loving souls. And coincidentally... I was on the Toronto subway system on Monday. Not something I do often as I rarely need to be downtown.. thank goodness 😆
On my way home, I made for the least crowded looking car - and realized a bit late that it was nearly empty because of the homeless guy stretched out asleep across 3 seats. Oh well. I just stayed standing and watched as stations went by. He was curled up under what looked like a hospital blanket, his back turned to the aisle. He had a grocery cart filled with pop bottles in varying stages of emptiness, and a pile of aluminum soda cans, which I’m guessing he was collecting for money. All this was locked with a cable & bungee cords to a rail.
I couldn’t really see him, just a mass of long tangled grey hair peeking out from under the blanket.
After a while I heard him starting to mutter and curse. His ire was aimed at young guy sitting down nearby, who was reading his phone. The curses & comments about him never having had a phone increased in volume. When the young guy left, silence reigned for a few minutes. My back was turned to the homeless guy when I heard him quietly ask “do you know what day it is”? I turned around & he was peering at me. “It’s Monday “ I replied gently. He said that he loses track of days & I laughed & told him I knew the feeling.
The next half hour was a conversation where I learned he was an engineer & welder, who worked the shipyards of the Great Lakes. He described opening a hole in a dry-docked tanker to remove the diesel engine that needed an overhaul. And then replacing it & welding a new plate over the hole. Travels all over Canada, following the work. From the Great Lakes, out to the pacific coast. Wow. What this guy had seen & done.
I asked him if he’d consider going back to welding & he felt afraid that he was too old (70). So I suggested teaching. I could see a spark of interest. I hope he pursues that. When the train reached the end of the line, I gave him what little cash I had, maybe $40. He never asked for anything. It was the best subway ride I ever had.
But the way to 'win' is to have more joy than pain. I cannot suggest how others do it. One of my biggest joys is a child I was thinking adoption that my family begged me to bring home. He is now one of my closest friends (in his thirties)...I don't presume to tell people how to find true joy, but suggest if you follow the lines of consciousness, it can work out for the best...
NYC subways haven't changed a bit, from my rides on them, except apparently less crowded. If it helps any, most mentally ill are more likely to be a danger to self than others, even in psychosis, which it sounds like the man you described was. His inner demons are more apt to cause him harm than those around him. Their behaviors are bizarre and disconcerting, but usually not dangerous, especially if not interfered with, by others. I saw a lot like him on psych affiliation, as a student, and later on psych wards at work, or on the streets as an EMS 1st responder; only a very few were ever a threat to me.
fair enough. since you've expressed concern for you newer readers, here again is my view on the internet name thing:
is anyone on the internet reliably who they say they are? i respect anyone choosing to assume that everyone who uses a normal-sounding name is automatically someone of honest, forthright character. i make no such assumptions. nor do i assume that those who use a fake name are automatically dubious characters seeking to conceal devious, malicious intent.
when socially engaging on the internet, i am content that our words and actions most reliably reveal who we are, what is important about us, that a name in itself reveals nothing meaningful about a person. to me, this is internet 101. even photos tell you nothing if you haven't met the sender in person.
i've been on the internet since day one. rather quickly i came to the conclusion that a certain degree of anonymity diligently and consistently applied is simply good internet hygiene. in real life, anyone would get my name in a heartbeat. that is, if it were my choice to meet you.
Since day one, meaning first ARPANET? :) That would make sense why you would be trying to introduce an irrational pendulum behavior to my page, Edgar, and why you keep trying that for over three years now!
Anonymity is all great and fine but when every now and then, you anonymously attack somebody who is not anonymous (me), and do it in a manner that is lacking rhyme or reason, rhetoric about anonymity is merely a hypocrisy. Just because on other occasions you can produce a semblance of a reasonable, philosophically inclined entity with a great command of the English language, it does not erase history of your destructive behavior. I will leave it at that, Edgar (anonymous). I do not think you are remotely for real.. Whether you are paid to create confusion, or whether you are 'next generation AI," it is not interesting to me.
funny you should mention ARPANET. actually it was me who invented the internet. but then Al Gore came along and took all the credit. very much like the tragic story of Nikola Tesla, who invented modern AC power distribution and then the bankers instead held aloft Thomas Edison who then waltzes into the history books as the big hero.
i never got over it. this is the cause of my eternally sour disposition. to my horror, i've become a penniless, bitter old man with nary a friend in the world. you are correct in your assessment of my character. you have displayed grace, loving temperament and long-suffering courage in allowing me to remain. i bow my head. i kneel before you, guilty as accused. i duly and sincerely apologize. so shall it be henceforth, that exercise of good and proper restraint shall enable me to belch forth no further quantities of my vicious bile upon your writings.
As I listened to Soul Eaters, I suddenly understood why Elon Musk changed Twitter to X. Not that I care except he is also a soul eater and I keep one eye on them off and on, but I saw it.
That and the skies here in rural OK where I live have been marked for weeks with giant X's and suddenly everyone is sick. Oh. Boy.
Thanks, Tessa.
Thank you, Pirate Studebaker!! And yes, that sight in the sky is very sad, the skies are supposed to be pure and beautiful. And sacred.
I have wondered for a while now why they make large Xs in the skies so often.
X marks the spot. The spot of spreading disease and heavy metals to contaminate air, water and soil and all living things.
Elon Musk keeps thrusting his tech into the skies and polluting with SpaceX satellite frequencies and "space crafts" and fake Tesla cars in "space" and the "space" between our ears with Neurolink and, of course, Twitter. As he kills the birds with his tech, the birds who do actually twitter, though less everyday, he has now renamed his "social media" site as X. And how do we denote something is dead in cartoons, etc.? Xs over the eyes.
And yet people still think Elon Musk is a "cool" guy. How I have come to detest the term "cool". Dead things are "cool" to the touch. Living things are warm and hot blooded and capable of LOVE and JOY.
X marks the spot. Sign at the X. Sign your life and all life away...
The skies are still pure and beautiful and sacred behind the Xs. They cannot be cancelled or killed by a bunch of stupid Xs. They have lost before they ever began.
Thank you, Tessa.
Kinda funny, kinda sad that comments suggesting Tessa get out of NYC persist. Been saying that for years. Even offered her financial help to do so (still stands T. Heck, let's double it).
At this point, can't help but engage in a bit of speculation as to her reasons why:
NYC, the bad:
1) The rents. It is utterly financially crippling to live there if you are not Yoko Ono Lennon sitting on a pile of gold. What you pay to live in what is essentially a converted broom closet could rent you an entire house elsewhere. Maybe even two.
2) The filth. Walking through Chinatown w/ my gf some years ago, an older lady restaurant employee emerged from the front door and heaved a huge stinking bucketload of fish guts right out onto the sidewalk just before we walked by. She looked at us grimly and went back inside. We walked out into the street to avoid slipping in the foulness that looked like Godzilla had vomited. I looked at my girlfriend incredulously like "wtf was that slovenliness?" She chuckled and said "It rains a lot in New York."
3) The people. Waiting for a train on an outdoor trestle in Queens one afternoon, I was flipped off by small black child across from me on the opposite rail. It couldn't have been more than 5 years old. (okay, well, that was kinda awesome and made me laugh heartily.)
4) The cops.
5) The trains.
6) The weather. Sticky hot in summer, bitter cold in winter. You are essentially living in a forest of gargantuan concrete trees. Sunlight hits the sidewalks once a day for about ten minutes. If you need more than that then you gotta get out and go after it because it sure as hell ain't coming through the windows where you live.
NYC, the good:
1) The arts. Just stunning the quantity, quality and variety of artistic output in NY. Perhaps more of that here than anywhere else in the world. If you did nothing but check the arts for 2 weeks straight you would still not scratch the surface.
2) The food. Same as above, insert "food" where you see the word "artistic". Not all of it is great, but even the crappy food is pretty good and you can get it at any hour, day or night.
3) The people. Never in my life have I been so blown away by total strangers embracing my presence as one of their own than during my visits to New York. Just powerful, no bullsh*t realness on another level everywhere you go.
4) Transit system. Not always in great shape but, if you can't find a way to get where you need to go then you are ready for the graveyard.
5) The neighborhoods. No matter what kind of person you are, your tribe is here.
6) The nightlife. Ditto.
Somewhere in all that above is our dear courageous Tessa, swimming with the sharks, flying among the angels and the demons, no doubt finding that what she likes indeed outweighs what she doesn't.
Edgar, I have no idea who you are, you have been acting very erratic on my page (for over three years now I think) swinging from mad compliments to aggressive and bizarre remarks, you refused to tell me your name, and I don't think you offered me anything. I am thick-skinned and all but just setting the record straight so that there is no false reality forming in comments.
agreed. a while back i did offer financial help should you choose to move but, i guess you missed that. no problem. from here forth we'll be very clear then. let the record be straightened.
when folks here suggest you relocate to a more rural area away from the big city, my sense is they do so with sincere concern for your well-being given how they feel about you, how they see the kind of person you are. no doubt those who've stuck with you in here over the years remain because you've gotten under their skin. you've touched our hearts and continue to do so. unlike many other substack pages of similar subject matter, the people here, the ones who stay, comment and read post after post are, in my view, a wonderful, compassionate, fire-y bunch of sweet misfits. much like yourself. it's a special place. the light here cast by a presiding spirit of real human love tends to keep the trolls away. this is your doing, Tessa. it's no small feat.
speaking only for myself, and i suspect others here who recommend you move out of NYC speak from a similar point of view, the reason i believe that not just NYC, but any big city may be a spiritually toxic environment for you is that i've learned (the hard way, of course) that this is the case for me. my entire life up until 2014 was lived in a big city. i'd probably still be there if i hadn't been literally forced to move being physically attacked by my psychotic bully next-door neighbor after a long build-up of tension. fighting him, legally or otherwise, was not an option
some years before i'd bought a little house with a bit of surrounding acreage in some mountains, not exactly close by, but not so far away as to make the drive there too exhausting. i spent small amounts of time up there, 1 - 2x a month and really enjoyed it yet never for a moment did i imagine that i'd be able to live there full time and be happy. like you, i need my friends. i need live rock music of all kinds, i like to kick up a little ruckus, ride motorcycles, drink beer and have a good time. what the hell would i do with myself up in the mountains full time? too quiet, not enough people, certainly none of my friends, no big art scene, music that bores me. i'd go nuts. i just liked the clean air, the rugged beauty, the colorful, simple wild-folk nearby and momentary solitude. i'd take it in small doses and then i was back to the city, my real home.
ah, but fate had other plans for me. being forced to move, i looked for something near where i was for about a month. but time was not on my side. i had to do this quick or i might arrive home one evening and find my cats dead having been poisoned by tainted hot dogs dropped through my mail box by mr. psycho neighbor. soon enough it was clear that there were no living options available that were as good as what i had. i decided that i could buy time by heading up to my mountain digs and continuing the search from up there. so i packed up my kitties and their toys and carpeted climb-y things and drove up there.
i never left. what happened to me up in the mountains was totally unexpected. while i spent days scanning ads and making calls to find a place to live in the city, something i was mostly unaware of was taking place within my body and mind. after weeks of having no luck finding a place, i sat there on my couch and looked around at my mostly empty mountain house, no tv, no internet, (i wasn't going to live there so why bother with cable or ISP?) my cats appearing visibly happier and healtheir than they'd ever been...i looked out the beautiful view from big windows, blue jays screeched, squirrels scampered up and down my pine trees.....light snow began to fall melting as soon as it hit the ground... i walked outside and watched snowflakes land then melt into my skin....stood there listening to mostly dead silence interspersed with the critter sounds.
i realized that i wasn't bored at all. in fact i had a warm feeling of contentment that i'd never known before in my life. and i mean never. i began to wonder "could i live here"?weeks turned into months. i gave up the search and rented out my place in the city.
this may sound weird to some, perhaps others are going to easily understand-- what happened was that a dormant spirit within me, something sweet and powerful that had been hiding in the corners of my body/mind my entire life slowly came up and out and stood there with me like a very sweet gentle friend who does not speak.
i realized right there and then that this being had always been there inside me but it had remained asleep, or dormant, because life in the city was simply too.....hectic? loud? stinky? stressful? i don't know really, but clearly it was cool with the mountain environment. and so there i was, with a very chill new friend inside of me that was a better friend than any i'd ever known or even now know. i realized i didn't really need anyone else, that i'd only adapted to city life having been born there and so knew only that which was acclimated to that kind of environment.
who was this new friend? well, duh. it was me. the totality. my whole life previous i'd been firing only half my cylinders, chasing after my dreams inside a sputtering clunker. not that i'm now perfect or anything, the demons still fly but at least i'm able to chase them down and deal with them with the help of this powerfully sweet new friend. i love my friends in the city and i still keep them, still see them, (today actually), just not as often.
fast forward a couple years and i find that something really important to me in life, my love of making music, which had pretty much died along the way, came roaring back to life enabling me to do something i'd always wanted to do but never did-- make an album i was proud of.
it is in this light, Tessa, that i propose that a move out of the city may have an unexpected, deeply positive effect on your being as it did on mine. i know it can be scary to pack up and leap away from a life that what one knows and loves, one that one has become comfortable navigating, one where social roots have been established and borne fruit. i myself most certainly would have never moved had i not been forced to. (thank you, mr. psycho neighbor. i sincerely mean that.)
maybe life has a way of steering us toward where our deeper dreams may be found? if ones' passion is alive and kicking, the mysterious unseen forces operating out there beyond our understanding just may rise up and kick us somewhere that turns out to be the perfect place to find what we're after or learn what you need to learn. this has been the case for me.
should the day ever come where you feel relocating might indeed be a good idea, i am happy to help. my original offer was 3 months' rent on the new place. let's double that to six. no strings. one artist to another. i actually do this kind of thing a lot. no big deal. no need to know me, trust me or even like me. this can be done with minimal contact and minimal effort. you obviously have your reasons for being wary of me and i don't at all mind. if you ever want to discuss details privately, you have my email address.
Edgar, I am not talking about folks here, I am talking about you. For some internal reasons that are not known to me, you have been alternating between being extremely sweet (almost too sweet) and being angry and irrationally attacking me on the most bizarre grounds. I have no time for this! it's been close to four years of this! When I asked you to reveal who you actually are, you never did. As far as I am concerned, you could be either an unbalanced human being or an entity trying to cause trouble in a very elaborate manner since you have a fantastic command of the English language and can build sophisticated structures that pass for interesting philosophy.. And then once you get the attention for your elaborate statements, you go into the attack mode inevitably so. You do know how to use the English language well. But you have shown your dark side a number of times, and it invalidates any elaborate English sentences you haver subsequently produced. You are either not okay, or not sincere. Or perhaps not even human but I really have no idea, and no time to look into it deeper. I just don't want you to confuse new readers by your weaved statements.
i hear you, Tessa. i hear you and accept your view of me without resentment. at this point it's certainly all out there, and then some, your misgivings about me. what more is there to say on my end other than i speak from a heart that is as real as your own?
you are a remarkable lady. my offer stands. i will not retract it.
Once again, Edgar, after a rather insane and destructive back-and-forth pendulum dance you have been doing on my page for over three years, going from reasonable to hysterical to reasonable to hysterical, this statement of yours is a joke, or a part of a psychological game, I don't know if you are human or a bot, or if you are getting paid to disrupt and confuse but in any case, you are not a friend of mine, that's for sure. So please, down with the games, Edgar, down with the games. Your linguistic skills are impressive but there is nothing underneath.
You have never even told me your actual name, you throw tantrums every time I ask. The question remains. What is your name, assuming you are an actual human being and not AI?
Why live in NYC? Lots of much better, cleaner places to be mentally and physically, and much less expensive too. My brother and his wife lived in San Francisco for 50 years, they finally got out and don't regret it. My nephew still lives there in my brother's old place, and says there are still some great places in the city, but ....... Perhaps one's tribe is located there, and it's hard to leave. This kept my brother in SF for a while, but his friends all left too. It's a shame, used to be such an incredible city.
I love the land, and my friends are here. The administrative component has decayed significantly since 2020 but the land and the people in my circles are still wonderful
Thank you, Tessa. Human existence.
Haunting "Soul Eaters", decorated with big-X (barium oxide "fluffy" chemtrails?)
;-(
Thank you Brother John!! And yes, it them the geoengineering trails :)
The barium oxide chemtrails are supposedly fluffy and the aluminum oxide chemtrails are the wispy ones, but I have no way to be sure.
Jesus. Conjuring memories of living in Brooklyn (Ft. Hamilton) taking the R-train in the late 1980’s. I still cannot believe how horrible it still is. I’ve got novels still to write, however, none so pleasant. From the moment you enter the subway stairwell, horrible urine orders and rats the size of possums. I still miss the beauty and diversity of the people, though. I miss Brooklyn, home of Carl Sagan, good beer, coffee, pizza, bagels... I don’t miss the criminals of government I was profiling. They are still as nasty today as those grotesquely oversized rats back in the day. But I’m still such a miserable optimist; still believing I can save them, the people, indirectly, by ending the inhumane government systems—of corrupt, satanic pyramid systems—outside our jurisdiction trapping everyone, you know, for a humane people’s-built system via real grassroots republic democracies, honest fair trade taxes and un-corruptible governments managing our infrastructure—not using it against us like those shit, diseased rats trapped to the underground by monsters, then coming out at night… Alright, that’s enough. Time for Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. 👉🏽🥯 ☕️🍕🍻🌭 🧘🏻♂️💨 🌈🌷 🌞 ☃️🎄…Now I’m happy-sad, and still thinking about those damn rats. I don’t blame Tessa, though. I do blame the rats; Rudy Giuliani, Trump and Biden, Clinton(s), Cuomo(s), Schumer…
I hope you write those novels one day!! And yes, the rats... :)
Oh, but I am, thank you. But I’ve got so much going at the same time, it’s truly maddening, both sci-fi and several other non-fiction titles, my live program in development, plus endless research, my substack and the upcoming money-rigged & media-manipulated presidential elections…and so the Army/government books must be worked on at a much slower pace.
Speaking of “Language Swapping;” word manipulations, double-speak, and don't forget gaslighting in your upcoming discussion: Americans are constantly told how terrible it is in other countries like Cuba, all of S. America, Arabia, Africa, China, Russia…, most of which is counter-intelligence PsyOps with some reality mixed in, meanwhile most are still so oblivious that these same monsters controlling American politics & perceptions are working over all of our minds, globally. However, I’m sensing that the people are becoming more aware of the truths—not as fast as I’d like—but still, they are beginning to understand that humanity is truly beautiful, that overpopulation is a fraud and that just a few monsters have total control over our textbooks, media and minds; that “they” have been lying to everyone about climate change, scarcity, terror, war and the real cause of disease; stress they have manufactured.
If the majority allow themselves to keep falling into “distracting traps” and don’t begin to realize their true potential and power to overcome these monsters and their misuse of AI and nanotechnologies, “they” will destroy all of humanity. (When I use the term “they,” I’m referring to those at the very top of their pyramid of powers who control their lower-level lieutenants in politics, appointees and mainstream media who are totally responsible for all of the world’s “manufactured” fear & problems.)
I realize your new focus is “contamination,” and I agree, just that it’s mostly synthetic (non-organic) and is destroying humans inside-out, directly within their DNA, literally eroding their souls. This is not sci-fi or conspiracy, but deadly real and has been quickly evolving in secret prior to the 1960’s. I’ve never been emotionally trapped to beliefs, but I do get angry over how so many lawyers, politicians, talented media personalities, doctors and scientists manipulate real science and “words,” particularly psychologists & lawyers in government and media who are methodically “driving” how and what people think, and not just with words & images, but using technology (weapons) on a cellular and DNA level.
I keep repeating, as Carl Sagan used to say, “I don’t want to Believe (come to an emotional decision about reality), I want to Know (understand on a scientific level).” That requires free minds like yours—free and constantly evolving thoughts and ideas. Free to change your mind over and over, without fear, just as you have said, repeatedly. I do love your mind, Tessa, and the day we agree on everything without argument I will know something is not right.
Nothing is more beautiful to me than naturally-diversified, free, independent minds & souls; nothing is more horrific and sickening to me than people behaving like synthetic, unnatural Borg all in agreement doing and thinking exactly the same. I grew up with identical twins, my mother and aunt, and they NEVER agreed, or believed or felt the same about anything and were always challenging each-other, thank God.
Philosophical train rides - I'm all for it. Since I travel by rail a lot and never carry a smartphone on my person, my choices are: imbuing the land- or city-scape gliding past the window; observe passengers; reading, an ancient method of absorbing info plus daydreaming.
Thanks to the reverie you poured into eloquent words, I was (somewhat painfully) reminded of a time in my life when I could not watch other people on public transport without seeing a plethora of broken marriages, tales of abuse unfolding within seconds, souls on the run, people in some stage of mind-alteration;, plus the sort of people you've once or twice referred to as "wobbly-folk".
Always taking a book with me before embarking on a streetcar, subway or train did help me maintain a modicum of sanity; later I shed this (somewhat crude) method of warding off unasked-for attention. I was lucky in I didn't feel any guilt about erecting an invisible wall around me, yet even luckier when I kicked that habit as I realized I was no longer necessary to holding onto a few (well...) traumas myself, including those handed down to me.. My point is: ways to navigate the world are never set in stone, a simple truth you for one never seem to lose sight of, Tessa. Thanks!
Thank you, Pim!!! And your response is so beautiful.
I am not a city boy. I've been in the Big Apple a couple of times-- it's awesome and awful. Big cities suck out one's joy of life. Go to the upstate. Take a walk in the leaves, breathe in some fresh crisp autumn air. Enjoy life.
I like both the city (the pre-2020 city) and nature, both beautiful in their own way...
Enjoy-- carefully, please. Wolves have infiltrated the city, always be alert.
Intriguing observations and insights. I love your "sharings". Thank you Tessa. Also, The "Soul Eaters felt very spot on.
Thank you, Kelly!!! xoxo
🤗
Dear Tessa... Here is a link to the Beatles 'Way Across The Universe' to inspire you about the wonder of it all. Jai guru deva, om... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90M60PzmxEE
Thank you, Nunoff!!
SIC TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI ... interesting. About five days ago I used this phrase as a subject line in an email. I used it for the first time in my life. But yes. It is passing.
During my childhood in Moscow, it was a common phrase. :)
I used it to describe my visit to a monastery located in a no-man's land between Bohemia and Poland. It was a reaction to an altarpiece - a macabre but beautiful work of art.
We have all lived countless lives. The bulk probably not physical?, because this is a fairly recent stop on the divine human evolutionary timeline. It is to be expected that the physical world and ability to reincarnate into it wouldn't last long (thousands of years being relative). We currently occupy bodies at the pinnacle of transformation. At some point there is nothing left to learn, so moving on inevitable and a force of Nature (for those who have done the work).
The physical world has devolved into a constant 3-circle circus, ringmastered by fallen entities who can't leave; permanent residents (until Mother Earth inevitably trades places with, soon, Jupiter?). We don't need a physical sheath to house our astral, etheric and ego aspects. Indeed, as we further evolve, our physical body experience will decay as we transcend to our more imperishable parts.
Anybody can get trapped here with vampires and psychos on malevolent paths. So caution advised. A focus on the spiritual worlds, and angelic hierarchical realms is infinitely enduring. Always operating and moving in higher and higher dimensions of existence bathed in love and freedom where joyful learning knows no end.
It is sad to watch this implosion of the reality we have known (especially re: family and friends). But a necessary step. The Earth realm was the place for introduction of individual self-awareness, ego––initial playing around with it. And then securing this knowledge into next Epoch of human maturation.
A lovely essay. As always, you speaking to our loving souls. And coincidentally... I was on the Toronto subway system on Monday. Not something I do often as I rarely need to be downtown.. thank goodness 😆
On my way home, I made for the least crowded looking car - and realized a bit late that it was nearly empty because of the homeless guy stretched out asleep across 3 seats. Oh well. I just stayed standing and watched as stations went by. He was curled up under what looked like a hospital blanket, his back turned to the aisle. He had a grocery cart filled with pop bottles in varying stages of emptiness, and a pile of aluminum soda cans, which I’m guessing he was collecting for money. All this was locked with a cable & bungee cords to a rail.
I couldn’t really see him, just a mass of long tangled grey hair peeking out from under the blanket.
After a while I heard him starting to mutter and curse. His ire was aimed at young guy sitting down nearby, who was reading his phone. The curses & comments about him never having had a phone increased in volume. When the young guy left, silence reigned for a few minutes. My back was turned to the homeless guy when I heard him quietly ask “do you know what day it is”? I turned around & he was peering at me. “It’s Monday “ I replied gently. He said that he loses track of days & I laughed & told him I knew the feeling.
The next half hour was a conversation where I learned he was an engineer & welder, who worked the shipyards of the Great Lakes. He described opening a hole in a dry-docked tanker to remove the diesel engine that needed an overhaul. And then replacing it & welding a new plate over the hole. Travels all over Canada, following the work. From the Great Lakes, out to the pacific coast. Wow. What this guy had seen & done.
I asked him if he’d consider going back to welding & he felt afraid that he was too old (70). So I suggested teaching. I could see a spark of interest. I hope he pursues that. When the train reached the end of the line, I gave him what little cash I had, maybe $40. He never asked for anything. It was the best subway ride I ever had.
Wow, Riff Raffer, what a beautiful story!!!
We have joy and we have pain.
But the way to 'win' is to have more joy than pain. I cannot suggest how others do it. One of my biggest joys is a child I was thinking adoption that my family begged me to bring home. He is now one of my closest friends (in his thirties)...I don't presume to tell people how to find true joy, but suggest if you follow the lines of consciousness, it can work out for the best...
Preach sister! ❤️
Thank you, Rob!
NYC subways haven't changed a bit, from my rides on them, except apparently less crowded. If it helps any, most mentally ill are more likely to be a danger to self than others, even in psychosis, which it sounds like the man you described was. His inner demons are more apt to cause him harm than those around him. Their behaviors are bizarre and disconcerting, but usually not dangerous, especially if not interfered with, by others. I saw a lot like him on psych affiliation, as a student, and later on psych wards at work, or on the streets as an EMS 1st responder; only a very few were ever a threat to me.