Pandemism
Boo to the virus, and bless the Holy Injection
This story is an imaginary conversation with a missionary of Pandemism. I wanted to write an article about the formal research into the fear of contagion and the sense of disgust in humans and how “disgustology” became an integral part of the terroristic COVID fearmongering campaign. (It is really quite fascinating. For example, researchers of “disgustology” found that they could influence people’s reactions and opinions toward general concern, rule following, and anger at the non-compliant—not limited to the context of infection—by merely showing them images of ugly diseases or even by exposing them to a foul odor during the session.) A proper article about “disgustology” is on the way but here is a little Pandemism sermon demonstrating the technique.
Hi, do you have a minute to talk about the dangers of nature and all sorts of scary pathogens lurking around?
Well then, hear the gospel of Pandemism, the brand new and the most correct world religion.
Our religion is based on Science, Climate Equity, and Inclusion. You were born, quite frankly, a polluter, a burdensome carbon breather and a biohazard—but you are none the less included in Pandemism by the grace of Holy Injection and your righteous compliance with all other public health and military measures.
Being included in Pandemism means that you get the permission to feel like less of a biohazard, assuming you wear your mask, social distance, get regular communion by Holy Injection, eat lab-grown meat only, don’t spread any misinformation, don’t travel, and take shorter showers.
Are you following?
By the way, Our Saints of Public Health can change Pandemism Terms&Conditions at any time, without prior notice—and your duty as a Pandeminian, or Pandeminion, is to always comply without asking questions.
The world is very unsafe for you, carbon breather, and pathogens are plenty. But worry not, thanks to our Holy Injections, your unreliable immune system is no longer needed. By following the ceremonial parts of our religion, you earn yourself the permission to feel a little less scared and a lot more righteous.
And even though you really are just a useless little carbon breather with your useless little dreams and desires, we’ll let you keep your grand delusion of having a choice in the matters while we show you how to make yourself less useless by reducing your imprint and your breeding. And don’t forget the shorter showers!!!
As far as the pathogens, like I said, they are plenty. The pathogens are hanging out everywhere, including in the air you are breathing—and most importantly, in the breath and on the bodies of other carbon breathers.
In fact, it is safe to say that all carbon breathers are biohazards, with the exception of our venerable, wonderful, wise and holy multibillionaire donors…. our donors… what was I saying?
Ah, pathogens. Lots of pathogens. Very scary.
And by the way, we are in a free country, so you are free to choose not only the color of your mask and not only your preferred brand of each mandatory Holy Injection but you can even choose which pathogen or disease to mention in your nightly prayers!
Right now, the recommended diseases are COVID, monkeypox and Marburg—but we are just starting, so the assortment will be growing.
Any questions? Actually no, questions lead to mis- and disinformation, so don’t ask questions.
Now tell me, carbon breather, on a scale from one to ten, how scared are you?
Not that scared? Whaaaat? You must really be a dirty carbon breather! Well then, let me show you the pictures!
Here is an antivaxxer with a spoon full of suspicious-looking, unsanitary horse paste. Look at him… What do you think he is more of, stupid or evil? Both? Good answer. Good answer.
Here is a dying patient on a ventilator. He is dying unfairly and unnecessarily because of the antivaxxer I just showed you in the previous picture. Was it really so hard to do the right thing get the Holy Injection, and protect the dying patient? Monster? Monster.
Now, COVID is very scary but monkeypox is scarier! Look at this photo of man who has it. Eeewwww, uglyyyyy! Here is another photo. And another.
Scared now? I have many photos!!!
By the way, as a souvenir, you can have this free set of little cards with images of infected and ugly people and inspirational quotes by St. Tedros. Every time you look at one of those cards, it will double your fear of pathogens and your anger at the antivaxxers.
Congratulations again on your smart choice of religion, Pandeminion. May St. Tedros regularly bless you with Holy Injections.
Appendix
(Thank you, I depend on it.)
To prevent monkey pox: "Recommendations from health experts include washing your hands frequently and avoiding contact with infected people, among other measures."
Also, not picking up anything from the ground by bending over; the safe recommended technique in this case is bending your knees and lowering yourself while maintaining the upright posture in the upper half of your body. This message is approved by you know WHO.
Very well done!, We all want to be saved, but since we don't believe in religion anymore we need to find another way to be saved. Medicine!! yes we can still feel saved by the priests in the white coats. Its just a little bit inconvenient that we are actually going to die in the end, and that the doctors can't really save us from that, but lets forget about death and just be saved now! St. Fauci is the most popular savior but there will be others.