Like a Phoenix, Me

Musings about life, death, and beyond

I feel like I’ve “adulted,” or maybe turned into a butterfly, many times over in the past six years.

I’ve learned so much.

I’ve reinvented myself, and again, and again, and I am still reinventing myself.

I’ve made truly amazing friends.

I’ve also been betrayed more than necessary, too much. I think I’ve learned from that, too.

I’ve fought for my life for a long time and survived.

My Mom, my dearest person, has passed, which still hurts like crazy in me every time I remember that she is not here.

My relationship with the “medical freedom movement” has evolved.

Early on, I was brave and naïve, and if I were to do it all over again, I would do it all over again. It was useful to be brave and naïve. But I’ve greatly evolved my understanding of what actually works.

Too much circus!

For a while, I was overextending myself, and I felt like a lonely Cassandra, seeing things that others don’t see.

It was painful to observe the activities of calculated pretenders who succeeded, for the moment, at convincing the world of their shiny dissident creds. I was rubbing my eyes, I was like, OMG, no. I was trying to fix things, I was mourning the amount of trickery that succeeded, love that got redirected, and sacred soul energy that was wasted on distractions that had been designed, well, to distract.

I was desperate but I kept pushing back.

I got really sick, in part, from trying to selflessly save the world that didn’t want to be saved.

I had to figure it out.

I grew wiser.

I am far more sober and far more optimistic now.

I have had the honor to receive the kind of insights that are possibly rare.

Those who played dirty against me and those who should have known better than to doubt me but chose to betray me, well, that’s on them. I am saying it with no nothing.

I have come to live through regretting every time I made a wrong choice.

Those who didn’t believe me will one day realize they’d been tricked. It will be a part of their journey to see clearly, and I am on mine.

It’s all good.

Like a phoenix, I am coming back to life.

I was forced to go on a journey of finding who I am, for the thousandth millionth time.

There is value in learning from the inside.

And my Mom? She was the most beautiful Mother I could ever wish for.

We were worried about each other too much. I suspected I shouldn’t, I knew that I shouldn’t but it was so hard!

It was also not easy for her. In my teens, I rebelled, I was breaking conventions and inventing my path, and she just wanted me to have a good regular life.

We were worried about each other too much. I knew that I shouldn’t but it was so hard!

She is teaching me everything now.

I am learning.

For the millionth billionth time, I am reinventing myself.

I will never forget how years ago, when I visited Russia for a short trip, Mom and I went to see my grandparents’ graves. We took longer than planned to get ready. It was far. It got dark real fast. There was no light, only snow. There were no people around. We just walked, and I prayed, and we found the graves, and this is the last time I was there.

And here is my Mom, my fortress in Heaven. All my love.

---

A note to readers: If you are in the position to do so, I very much encourage you to become a paid subscriber or donate. Thank you from my heart for your support!

Disclaimer

All my articles, art, videos, audio, social media posts, podcasts, and any other information and content are for educational purposes only and never constitute medical, legal, or any other professional advice or recommendation.

For professional advice, please consult your doctor, lawyer, or another licensed professional in the respective area of your interest. My articles, art, videos, audio, social media posts, podcasts, and any other information or content published on my Substack or any other platform or media are my personal subjective experiences, viewpoints, opinions, philosophical explorations, and observations, and religious practices as a sovereign human being who walks under God.

Opinions and viewpoints presented by my podcast guests are their own and may not represent the opinion of this author or publication. Publication of opinions is intended for educational and philosophical purposes only.

Any opinions about any third party expressed or published on my Substack or on any other platform or media in relation to my work, religions or other expression, or social exchanges, are strictly subjective opinions and spiritual /religious explorations that are intended to be used as such.

Responsibility for individual interpretation and use of information contained in my Substack or other articles, art, videos, audio, social media posts, podcasts, and any other media on any platform lies with the reader, viewer, and listener. Please do your own research, think for yourself, and don’t rely on anyone to tell you what to think, including me.